Tuesday, August 19, 2003

Rating the Bens from the Ones to the Tens

I've lately got to wondering: Do I like anyone named Ben? The answer is yes! But only some of them. Rated here, from best to worst, are ten famous Bens. Let's see how they fare:

1. Ben Kenobi: The absolute best of the lot. A teacher, a warrior, a Jedi master, and a class act all the way. Strike him down, and he will only become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

2. Benjamin Franklin: Scientist, Founding Father, kite enthusiast, and the inventor of devices of such immense practicality as bifocals and the gloryhole. And without Ben Franklin, there could be no Franklin Mint.

3. Ben-Hur: Jewish prince, chariot racer, and unwitting homosexual.

4: Ben Stiller: Always a watchable comedic presence. The prospect of his reuniting with Zoolander co-star Owen Wilson breathes hope into the prospect of the Starsky and Hutch remake not only not sucking as much as the idea of turning a 70's TV show into a movie would seem to indicate, but actually being laugh-out-loud hilarious. And Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear? I'm there, fo' shizzle!

5. Big Ben: Reliably chiming the hours for nigh on 150 years, it's a rare clock that beats this one for classic style.

6. Dr. Ben Casey: Neither the coolest or the uncoolest of the TV doctors, but a damn fine neurosurgeon nonetheless.

7. Gentle Ben: A bit of a wuss for a grizzly bear, to tell the truth. But he did distinguish himself by hanging out with both Balok and McCloud.

8. Ben Savage: The Jim Belushi to Fred's John: a good enough substitute if the other one happens to be dead.

9. Ben Affleck: A smug, smirking creep who would be pretty much worthless if not for having something to do with Good Will Hunting. His selection as People's "Sexiest Man Alive" over such oafish-but-universally-lusted-after candidates as Vin Diesel has to be one of the greatest miscarriages of electoral justice in recent memory.

10. Ben Mulroney: Untalented and utterly worthless, with nothing to distinguish him but a famous name -- and a tainted one, at that. Mulroney has no business whatsoever in the public eye, unless he's burying himself under an avalanche.


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