“Haw Haw, I'm the Mexican Vale Tudo Champion!”

My old friend Mike "The Math Librarian" Martelle went down south of the border and then south of the border again to Rosarito Beach, Mexico to make his mixed martial arts debut. As you might have guessed from the photo to the right, he won, and in the easiest way possible.

Here is, in Mike's words, how it went down:

Sadly, my opponent fell for my mind games, and actually fled the arena 15 minutes before go time. I waited in the ring for 10 minutes while they scoured the streets looking for him!

So much for Esteban "El Loco" Garcia being the toughest guy in Tijuana!

So I'm standing in the Mexican ring, and the referee, UFC ref Larry Landless, is really giving the crowd no mercy on the fact that their local boy punked out. He's saying stuff like "This man came from Canada and struck terror in the Mexican fighting spirit. People turn on their heels and flee before him, so I have no choice but to declare him your winner …." The 2,000+ sold-out crowd is booing like I've murdered someone, so I climb on the ropes and act like I'm squinting into the crowd for my opponent. More boos. Finally I remember the heel line suggested by Peter Lynn, and I call out ...

"SPEAK ENGLISH!!!"

Which resulted in the boos becoming so deafening that Landless and I actually break into laughter, and he raises my hand AGAIN. I have a GREAT photo of the very moment. As we're laughing, I spot Rey Mysterio Jr ( in full mask ) seated at ringside, shaking his head in disdain. So surreal I don't even know what to think, but then I remember the promoter mentioning how he's old pals with Rey Sr., and they both sometimes attend his shows.

Haw Haw! I told off Rey Rey, and by proxy, so did Peter Lynn!!!

Mike

Rey. Mysterio. Junior. So awesome. Mike really did me proud even though it sounds like he didn't have an opportunity to get his hands on a microphone while in the ring (unlike in a post-match video interview he did, where he seemingly takes every available opportunity to unnecessarily put his hand on the interviewer's microphone, pawing at it constantly while lamenting the fact that he didn't get to use his Isoceles Triangle Choke or any of his other secret mathematician moves). But if he had, we had so much planned.

I'm sort of Mike's spiritual Jimmy "The Mouth of the South" Hart, and before he went down to Mexico, we met up and discussed at length how he could get some serious heel heat when taking on the local boy. My original idea for him was to play an Ugly Canadian character -- kind of like an Ugly American, but, you know, slightly nicer. "Speak English and French!" he'd demand, Canada being an officially bilingual country. Mike also had a great pre-match spiel worked out:

"Let me just say a few things:

1. I hate this crowd.
2. I hate this arena.
3. I hate this town.
4. I hate Mexico.
5. I hate your hat dance. And,
6. When I get done beating up your local hero, I'm going to find the prettiest girl in your town and buy her for two shiny American quarters."

Although it occurs to me now that he could have also derided their Taco Bell restaurants, I only added the bit about the Mexican Hat Dance to that, for it was perfect already. A co-worker of mine (and clearly an old-school wrestling fan) suggested yesterday that he could have put a large sombrero in the center of the ring, pranced mockingly around it, and then stomped it flat. That would have been fantastic. Of course, this kind of thing also got "Classy" Freddie Blassie stabbed on 21 occasions by enraged fans, so maybe it's for the best that it didn't happen.