TV night with my mom

Mom: Why do the cops let the phone ring three times when they're just sitting there waiting by it? That's so stupid. Pick it up!

Me: I know! What you want to do is get it on the first ring, so the kidnapper goes, "Whoa! It didn't even ring! How'd you do that?" And you go, "Really? It rang here." And he goes, "Huh. Well, it was really weird."

***

Mom: Why is that considered a weird speech pattern because he doesn't use contractions? I don't like to use contractions either. It seems lazy. I like to say the whole word.

Me: I admire your work ethic. But you just used one.

Mom: No, I didn't.

***

Mom: What does that word mean? "Specious"?

Me: It's like "faulty". Like, specious logic seems logical at first, but isn't.

Mom: Oh. How does paper-rock-scissors work?

Me: Seriously?

Mom [shrugs]: There are a lot of things I don't know.

***

Mom: What?

Me: Nothing.

Mom: Why did you just smile at me?

Me: I can't smile at my mother?

Mom: It's creepy.