Sunday, January 01, 2006

Kraft Krap

Dear Kraft Foods,

I admit that it may be odd that my theology is informed mainly through television commercials, but I have a few questions about heaven as it is portrayed in your ad campaign for Philadelphia Cream Cheese.

The first topic about which I am curious concerns the female angel who appears in these commercials. Am I right in assuming that since she is in heaven she must be dead? If so, what did she die of? Was it an accidental death, or did she have health problems? When she died, was she as young as she appears? Or did she die in a much older state and revert to a younger appearance? Or is it the case that she simply always existed as an angel?

Second, I am also curious about her manservant. Does slavery exist in heaven? Is he forced to serve as a manservant because he sinned in life? Or is it the case that although he willingly lived a submissive lifestyle, he was a virtuous man, and his eternal reward is that he is allowed to serve this heavenly dominatrix?

I'm a little confused about how this all fits together, and I would definitely appreciate some answers to these queries so that I can be better prepared for the afterlife.

Best regards,

Peter Lynn

"Kraft - Online Team2"
To: "'peterjlynn[at]yahoo[dot]com'"
Subject: RE: Your Comment/Question
Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 17:18:51 -0500

Hi Peter,

Thank you for visiting

We appreciate your interest in our advertisement. Unfortunately, we do not have any more information to share with you on the subject. Thank you for contacting us.

If you haven't done so already, please add our site to your favorites and visit us again soon!

Anne-Marie Truong
Executive Representative



Anonymous Anonymous said...

Peter, I'm interested in becoming a literary editor as a career. And, of course, when I think of great editors, Peter Lynn comes to mind. My email address is, and I would love it if you would take the time to educate me on what the hell I should be looking for in a college, and all that good stuff.

1/01/2006 10:53:00 PM  
Blogger Chance said...

Kraft is wayyyy too big to acknowledge snarky letters. You have to hit the smaller companies if you want them to pretend to take you seriously.

1/02/2006 12:44:00 AM  
Blogger JPW said...

That must be the sequel to the obnoxious cream cheese ad that's playing here: three angel girls sitting around in heaven, one of them poring over a diagram and figuring out how to assemble an Ikea table. She gives up and says they need a MAN to help them and then they all laugh and eat some cream cheese with chili sauce on it. Just like real life.

1/03/2006 12:00:00 AM  

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