Thursday, November 20, 2003

The Ultimate Blog Post

I have long been a fan of the Ultimate Warrior, first for his skill at utterly destroying his opponents in the squared circle, later for his skill at utterly destroying the English language on his website. Whether he's expounding his vaguely Nietzsche-like philosophy of "destrucity" or explaining why he, like all true warriors, uses the made-up word "foke" instead of "focus," one thing is clear: This man has crossed over into uncharted but exciting territories of utter lunacy.

The point where he crossed the line was probably when he, the former Jim Hellwig, actually legally changed his name to "Warrior", a decision that makes rational sense because it meant he'd always be able to use that moniker professionally without getting sued over trademark infringement from his former employers in the WWE, but also a decision that is completely insane because he legally changed his name to "Warrior." By the time he was running Warrior University out of a cave in the Arizona desert, he'd surely descended into Colonel Kurtz-like realms of madness. Nowadays, he's given up wrestling, and spends most of his time misusing words, working as a politically conservative guest speaker, and explaining why he's the messiah of Generation Warrior.

As endlessly entertaining as his personal website is, I'm happy to say I've found another one online that provides transcripts of some of the Warrior's classic wrestling promos. Even then, he made no sense at all, but he made up for it with utter conviction in whatever gibberish he was spouting. But oddly enough, he often seemed to be quite complimentary to his opponent, addressing him as a fellow superhuman rather than a worthless, hapless victim (or, worse yet, a "normal"). To make the experience more complete, I recommend that you read the promos aloud, first quietly but intensely muttering while staring down at your hands, then suddenly shouting a random burst of words at the top of your lungs, before going back to muttering at your hands again.

Always Believe,


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