My holiday, in quotes

Thanks to Scott for the update, which pretty much sums everything up. I'm hampered by one of the world's slowest internet connections, which has kind of limited my updates (my paying attention to my family has contributed to this too). But here are a few statements and exchanges that stick out at me so far:

My mom [flipping stations]: Hey, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is on!
Me: I'm not watching Chitty Chitty Ga-- [cuts self off suddenly].
My mom: [snicker]

***

My mom: ... and what's worse than those energy-saver shower heads are the low-flow toilets. If you take a healthy dump, forget about it!
My stepdad: They're okay, if you stick a couple of bricks in the tank.
Me: Or you could hide a handgun in a Ziploc bag in there.
My mom [as though pointing out the patently obvious to a simpleton]: Everyone hides their gun in the toilet, Peter.

***

My mom [to my stepfather]: You're drooling on my couch. [raising voice to deliberately annoying level] Go to bed! Go to bed! Go to bed! Go to bed! Go to bed! Go to bed!

[beat]

My mom [in lamenting tone]: I've spent my whole life telling someone to go to bed.

***

Me: You know, Sara, there's a whole gay neighbourhood in Toronto.
My eight-year-old niece, Sara [shocked]: Oh! That's bad! It's like [miming waving] "Hello, gay!" "Hello, gay!" "Hello, gay!" "Are you a lesbian?" "No, I'm a gay!" "Well, hello, gay!"