One-Man Acoustical Jam

If anyone's wondering what to get me this Christmas, look no further; I want one of these. Cell phone jammers are already being used in theatres and hospitals to prevent inappropriate public yammering, and Canada is considering legalizing their use domestically.

Cell phone users have objected that they need their phones in case of emergencies, but let's get real -- we've gotten through emergencies for years without them. Not only that, but they can cause emergencies in hospitals, where their signals can interfere with medical equipment. As for theatres, if you're worried about an emergency, you can just leave the theatre's phone number and have the management page you if disaster strikes. Or you could just stay home. (That might not be a bad idea anyway, since disaster may well strike in the theatre itself.)

Of course, what I'd do with this thing is simply keep it in my pocket -- and they do make them pocket-sized -- until someone got particularly obnoxious and inconsiderate with his phone -- say, while sitting in a movie or a library or behind the wheel of a speeding car. Then, with a touch of a button, they'd suddenly get a bad signal.

This is possibly the most useful piece of "jamming"-type equipment for boomeranging offensive behavior back onto the culprit since "Rugged" Ronnie Garvin's "Hammer Jammer" shin guard, which was used to counteract Greg "The Hammer" Valentine's figure four leglock. That one, by the way, has been on my Christmas list since 1990.