Elan Mastai: A Tiger Beat Exclusive

Ever since the abhorrent and overexposed Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez relationship began to disintegrate amid charges of infidelity, I've been crediting my old school chum Elan Mastai for busting up Bennifer. Here's how it went down:

1. Flush from the success of his Hollywood screenwriting debut (the improbable skateboarding monkey movie MVP 2: Most Vertical Primate), Elan, who is one charming motherfucker, fast-talks his way into a gig writing the screenplay for the videogame adaptation Alone in the Dark. (Check out the debate over Elan's suitability for such a job here; I'm going to weigh in on the pro-Elan side, since he's not only a talented and funny guy, but also smart enough to seek advice from his geekier videogame-playing pals, then name characters after them.)

2. Filming of Alone in the Dark commences in Vancouver, starring Christian Slater.

3. A visiting Affleck hits a local strip club with Slater, and allegedly cheats on Lopez with an exotic dancer.

4. Amid a firestorm of publicity, the impending Affleck/Lopez wedding is called off, and the relationship deteriorates irreparably. Teeth are gnashed. Clothing is rended. Lives and careers are destroyed. I am pleased.

So, had Elan not written the screenplay for Alone in the Dark, Bennifer might still be America's most public irritant. I take his role in destroying their relationship as a personal favor. Thank you, my friend -- a nation is in your debt.

Anyway, this is all brought up by the fact that Elan has turned up in the news in an MSNBC story: It turns out that he and Slater are working on a screenplay based on the strip-club incident. Congratulations, Elan. You are indeed "one happenin' guy."