Friday, July 30, 2004

Go away, Jon Dore

Dear Metro,

Please get rid of this unfunny Jon Dore idiot, whoever he is.

Sincerely,
Peter Lynn

I sent that unpublished letter to Metro, the free subway paper, because as long as they keep printing the asinine rambling of this Dore imbecile, I'm getting less than what I'm paying for -- and as I said, Metro is a free paper. As far as I can tell, the only one who benefits from Dore's continued presence in Metro is Sandy Garcia, who's no longer quite the worst columnist in the paper writing about Canadian Idol on a regular basis.

Garcia is still bad, mind you; about the only thing more unsavory than last year's creepy albino contestant, Billy Klippert, was Garcia's obvious wet-between-her-chubby-thighs crush on him. And her point-counterpoint Idol Showdown discussions with Chris Atchison seemed to get uncomfortably personal, to the point that readers began to write in to demand that they ease up on each other with the personal attacks. (Hard to blame Atchison, though: The phrase "Sandy, you ignorant slut" seems to be self-evidently at least half right.) And she's got an off-putting habit of writing things like "Billy Crystal kept the audience entertained with his hilarious antics" in stories about the Oscars; calling Crystal's antics "hilarious" is injecting unnecessary editorial opinion into a news story, and wrong opinion at that.

But bad as Garcia is, Dore is worse by several orders of magnitude. His columns are virtually content-free, serving only to annoy. Witness this example from an early column:
Metro has given me 300 words per column to infotain, alarm and shock the community of Toronto about what it doesn’t see on television. Three hundred words per column. THREE HUNDRED WORDS. Oh sweet soul sister of mercy! Let the filthy gossip flow from my fingertips into the hearts and souls of Idol fans everywhere.

How will I convey this information you ask? Each and every gossipy letter will be carefully selected and then delicately placed into a word. Which, in turn, will be strung together with other carefully chosen words. Soon forming tantalizing sentences creating dazzling paragraphs altogether a masterpiece gossip column of 300 words! Here we go! Buckle up! Put the kids to bed! Turn off the phone! Cancel your dinner plans! Lock up your bike! Hold on to the railing! Feed the Sea Monkeys! Put out that back alley can fire!

That's 144 words of nothing worth saying. The column purports to offer "A look behind the scenes with Idol's special correspondent" ("Most of my readers are absorbing my always entertaining, gossipy prose while they are travelling to work via bus, streetcar, or subway," says Jon in one column, self-congratulatorily), but I've seen no insider gossip. It's almost nothing other than self-indulgent rambling and attempts at "wacky" humour. Take the lead to his last column, for example, which is about typical:
I was lying in bed Sunday afternoon watching a videotape of my grandfather’s eye surgery while eating blueberry waffles with Kahlua when I was suddenly struck by a horrible realization.

Not a single Idol performer has a moustache. "SWEET SUNNY SIDE SMOKE STACKS!" I exclaimed to myself. What happened to the moustache? When did it leave? Where did it go? Why are tomatoes red?

See? It's so wacky! What a way to spend a Sunday afternoon! Watching his grandfather's eye surgery? Who does that? And look at the foods he mixes together! Crazy! And his expressions? Unprecedented looniness! Hilarious!

Well, no. I'd call this style of humour sophomoric, but I remember that I didn't find this kind of throw-random-things-together-and-hope-a-joke-comes-out-of-it business funny when I was a sophomore. It was cutting-edge comedy when I was in grade three, though. I'll admit that.

When it's not self-consciously "wacky", Dore's column is self-servingly masturbatory:
Please ladies … Leave me alone! I get it. I understand. Consider your message decoded. I’m catching your drift. I’m reading your mail. I’m walking your dogs. I am a writer. Sure, I’m a writer with his very own column. I suppose you could say that I’m an intellectual Casanova. Sure, I’m pulsating with excessive levels of witty, sexual energy. However, I don’t need to be distracted from my writing by clumsy, heterosexual, romantic advances. As a writer, I obviously have no problem meeting women so please stop throwing yourself at me. Holy sheesh kabobs! Besides, I would never abuse my position as a columnist to lure the ladies into my exciting lifestyle of movie premieres and celebrity parties.

So who the hell is this idiot, anyway? Why would a newspaper allow this? What kind of columnist can get away with 300 words of incoherent drivel that serves only a reminder to watch Canadian Idol before wrapping it all up with an annoying "Love, Jon"?

Well, one suspects that Dore must somehow be involved with Canadian Idol, although Metro didn't do much to explain how (probably assuming I should already know what the connection is, since presumably anyone reading a Canadian Idol-related article must be doing so because he watches the show, and not because he's trying to find a way to stay occupied during an overlong commute). And it turns out that in addition to his career as a stand-up comedian, Dore is indeed a special correspondent on Canadian Idol. So getting him to write for Metro probably seems like some sort of "coup" to the editors, which makes me sad for Metro. I would probably know Dore worked for the show if I watched it, but I won't because I don't particularly like most reality TV, although I do particularly hate Canadian Idol host Ben Mulroney, who's managed to keep himself in the public eye by virtue of having a famous (or notorious, depending on your politics) dad, despite failing to show evidence of any discernable talent of his own. So now I have at least two people on Canadian Idol to hate with a burning passion.

I'm going to hate Dore a little more than Mulroney, however, because while it's easy enough to just not watch Canadian Idol, he also keeps popping up in the paper and making me wonder, "Oh for Christ's sake -- what's this idiot rambling about now?" Then I read the latest column and hate him anew. He might actually make Canadian Idol watchable, for all I know. He might be the funniest man alive on the stage. But for God's sake, keep Jon Dore off the printed page.

15 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Bravo!

You've echoed my sentiments precisely with this column. Sandy Garcia makes me sad but Jon Dore makes me angry.

Also, your a gay!

7/31/2004 10:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!!! OH MY GOD, I can't believe I'm finding this out so late, I went to journalism school with Sandy!

Yes. She actually went to journalism school! HAHAHAHHAHA!!!

1/03/2007 03:42:00 PM  
Anonymous max bedroom said...

Well - I guess you'll be happy to know that he has his own show on The Comedy Network launching this fall(2007) and the show is guaranteed to make you eat your words.

Either that or you will hate him more than ever.

Regardless - it will be the best thing to happen to Canadian comedy since "The Trouble With Tracy".

Enjoy living in your blog...however, there are worlds out there to explore.

9/06/2007 04:42:00 PM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

Dear Jon,

Congratulations on your new show! I hope it's a tremendous success. As I've said, you may or may not be funny on the stage or screen (I wouldn't know, as I've never gotten around to catching your act), but as you clearly have no facility with the written word, here's hoping that your other endeavours keep you too busy to write.

"Why can't I write and do the show?" you might ask. "I can do lots of things and write!" A fair question, but as you yourself have said, those who write do so at the cost of failing to explore the worlds outside. Clearly you are correct. No one could possibly write and live a well-rounded existence, certainly not those who live in their blogs.

By the way, since I posted this, three seasons of Canadian Idol have aired, Sandy Garcia has become Sandy Caetano (but still sucks), and I've moved this blog twice. Adjust your self-Googling regimen accordingly.

Love,
Peter Lynn

9/07/2007 12:28:00 AM  
Anonymous max bedroom2 said...

Hey - it seems by your reply that you think that I am actually Jon Dore. Ya weirdo.

In fact - foolish man - I was Googling to see if there was more info. regarding his new show and sadly stumbled upon your old article. So I felt the urge to give you an update on him since you love his work so much and probably can't wait to hear what he's been up to.

It was obvious you didn't have any clue back then what he's about and you know, maybe it's for the better. He would hate to have a guy that has a girl's name for a last name to like his material. I know I would.

So, in closing, I would just like to say that I've enjoyed making you think I was Jon and in turn prove that you really should get out more often. Now - that doesn't include internet cafes or The Games Workshop at Eaton Centre either buddy. I mean - really - live a little. Or not. Up to you.

Hate,

Max Bedroom(or is it Jon Dore?)


BTW - It's also been three year's simnce you've changed the Brita filter - so make sure get to that soon.

9/14/2007 08:21:00 PM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

I heard that "Punisher" Star Thomas Jane laughed at a Jon Dore joke once, and Jon fucking lost it.

9/14/2007 11:44:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I like him. He's low brow but that's refreshing in a way, like the old Tom Green. I like that one episode of his show when he goes to audition for a pornographic film. He has this ridiculous orange tan. He rips off his clothes and his buttocks and genitals are all pasty white and he drew a six pack on his body with a marker. It's so ridiculously stupid I'm still laughing thinking about it.

1/25/2008 02:39:00 PM  
Anonymous 5h4n7 said...

bravo, you're all a bunch of Canadian Idol watching losers.

i haven't seen a single episode of that trash, however since i first saw Jon Dore's Standup on Comedy Now! i instantly became a huge fan, his show is fucking hilarious and anyone who doesn't agree is just an old fuck!

2/12/2008 06:58:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOL at Max Bedroom!

ha ha ha ha ha

3/02/2008 12:00:00 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

I don't know how long ago you wrote about Jon Dore, but he now has his own show and it is one the only funny shows on TV today. Now I know it's not as successful as the incredibly witty and amazingly well written "According to Jim" or "Reba"; but it's OK. Now that last part was clearly sarcastic, but the next time you write a "blog" about someone; try not to end up looking like such a jackass... Jackass.

3/29/2008 03:32:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon Dore is pissingly funny! I grew up with Monty Python, and appreciate a ton of older comedians, from Laurel & Hardy to Don Rickles, Carol Burnett to Tom Green to The Kids in the Hall. As long as Doe continues on the same path, and does not compromise, he will become a comedy legend.

6/09/2008 04:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Beth, I love Jon Dore said...

I could see a rant like this being written by Jon, which already makes you much like him in your writing. Maybe you should stop as well, to help your cause. Jon is amazing on stage and tv, that is why his articles are fantastic. You can picture him saying it and that's what makes it awesome. I wish I was lucky enough to regularily read the Metro. Thanks Jon Dore for giving us non stop hilarity!

7/27/2008 01:52:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

yeah youre a douche bag. jon dore is hillarious. youre jealous of his strapping good looks. Lets see you try to be funny.
LOSER.
amen

5/02/2009 12:45:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jon Dore is the laziest man in comedy. I'm sorry but talking about your penis for half an hour isn't good humor nor does it make for good television. He continues the same path Family Guy has been on for years. No real well thought out jokes just a reliance on randomness or unoriginal sex jokes.

1/08/2012 01:36:00 PM  
Anonymous MiguelSanchezGuilluime said...

Jon Dore sucks and I really wish he would stop posting on here under different names.

3/19/2012 10:21:00 PM  

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