Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Peter Lynn: Foot-and-Mouth Artist

Speaking of foot-and-mouth artistry, I just came from this conversation:

Me [wielding forkful of chicken]: Who wants a fork in the neck? You?

Housemate: Who wants a fork in the balls? You?

Me: I'll give you a fork in the balls!

Housemate: You can't, 'cause I don't have balls.

Me: I'll give you a fork in the ovaries, then.

Housemate: I don't have those either.

Me: Yes, you do. You're a girl. Do I have to explain how this works.

Housemate: No, I don't. I had them taken out when I was a baby.

Me: So you can't have children?

Housemate: No! My ovaries got taken out. There was a problem. I don't have a uterus, either.

Housemate's boyfriend: What?

Housemate: Why do you think I always talk about adopting?!

Me: So all those jokes about you two breeding alcoholic Irish/Indian children aren't true. Or, I guess it has to be nurture instead of nature.

Housemate's boyfriend: She's joking. Look at her smile.

Housemate [upset]: You think I'm smiling?! Fuck you, asshole!

Housemate's boyfriend: You can't have children.

Housemate: I've never told you because it shouldn't matter. If you love me, it shouldn't fucking matter. What's wrong with adopting?

Housemate's boyfriend: You could have told me.

Housemate: Oh, so you're going to be that guy! Mr. I-Don't-Want-to-Raise-Anyone-Else's-Children-They've-Got-to-Be-My-Biological-Children. Well, fuck you, and fuck you, Pete, for bringing it up!

Me: Uh, I'll see you guys later.


Me [whispering]: Dude, she was kidding, right?

Housemate's boyfriend: I hope so. News to me if she isn't.

Me: But aren't you guys using condoms? What's that all about then? What's the point?

Housemate's boyfriend: Well, she and I are going to have to have a little talk about that.


Anonymous Ken said...

Wow. What an incredible maneuver, to get your foot THAT FAR down your throat. Regardless, that gave me quite a chuckle. I only had one question:

What kind of condition would ever cause a young girl's uterus to be removed?

9/28/2005 11:20:00 PM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

I'm too scared to ask.

9/28/2005 11:23:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What the -- ? "It shouldn't matter"? That's absolute insanity. HE's the bad guy for his completely realistic expectation of the relationship?

If a girl tells a guy ahead of time that she's either not interested or capable of having children, that's totally cool. He can't turn around five years later and go "I thought you were KIDDING!" or otherwise freak out, because she had the decency to lay out the groundrules ahead of time.

But not telling a guy? Because it "doesn't matter"? What is she, stupid, or just hopelessly self centered? Of course it MATTERS. Him wanting children doesn't mean he doesn't love her. It means he assumed -- quite rationally-- that someday down the road they'd do what married people do: have children, then regret it.

It'd be like a guy dating a girl for five years, then pronouncing he has no intention of marrying her (a lie that occurs with alarming frequency, if my girl friends are any judge). Not only has he completely led her on with false pretenses, but he's enough of an ass to pull out "We're in LOVE. It shouldn't MATTER."

Actually, now that I think about it, that's totally what this guy should do. Wait for her to present him with an equally realistic expectation of their relationship, then say "Actually, my religion prevents me from meeting your parents, marrying you, or caring about your orgasms. If you loved me, you WOULDNT CARE."

Anyway, end of rant. Nice foot-and-mouth story, Pete. Though isn't it foot-IN-mouth?


9/28/2005 11:25:00 PM  
Anonymous Matt said...


9/29/2005 12:28:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My entirely capable of having kids ex-wife blew up at me one day in the opposite way. I very nicely asked the mushy question "What would we name our kids?" She rounded on me like I said I wanted to do her mom and yelled "I never want children! Do you hear me? Ever!"

I backed up a bit and said, "We never... uh talked about this. I was just yapping. I think we need to talk about it now." She stood up and red faced and scary screamed "EVER!" in my face. Not long after she was screwing some dude from work.

The nice part for me is shes been on the pill for oh 20 years and smokes. She wont have kids, but some bouncy tumors are on the way.

Your friend over reacted. I don't think your foot was anywhere near your mouth. Women just sometimes act like those popin-fresh crosaunt tubes. You think "Ok I can open this, I read the instructions, nothing weird here." Then a loud bang and dough is on your face, no matter how prepared for it you were.

I would have made a jumping land mine reference but the dough stuff scares me more. Especially on holidays. So its a better example anyway.

9/29/2005 01:12:00 AM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

Yeah, next time you should have the should-we-have-kids conversation before the wedding. And while you're at it, make your stance clear on the no-screwing-other-dudes thing so she'll have no excuses later about how you hadn't really ever discussed it.

9/29/2005 01:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oh we did have all the talks, she was just evil. Told me everything I wanted to hear untill...

It was a five year dating thing before the wedding, I thought it was all out in the open. Nope. But then again I'm a tard when its comes to a girl I think really digs me.

9/29/2005 02:02:00 AM  
Blogger John Eje Thelin said...

Any relationship that isn't built on honesty and full disclosure of pretty much *everything*, however odd, embarrassing or personal is never really going to work in the long run.

I sure hope she's joking, even if that means that she's got a shitty sense of humor. That's still better than someone who lies by omission (or *action* if the condom thing is true).

9/29/2005 05:41:00 AM  
Anonymous Jheurf said...

Women and their stupid head-games. What if it was the opposite? What if you were married 5 years and, when her clock starts ticking, she starts talking about children? What if after 2 years of trying you casually say "Didn't I tell you I was sterile? I thought you knew. I thought you wanted to adopt and all this sex was for fun."

9/29/2005 09:57:00 AM  
Blogger JPW said...

That woman should be a tree.

9/29/2005 10:48:00 AM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

All this talk of dishonesty relationships reminds me of how the girlfriend I recently posted about falsely claimed to have been molested as a child just so she'd have an unassailable excuse for getting out of sex anytime she wasn't in the mood and a way to make me instantly recoil in guilt and shame for having tried anything.

9/29/2005 11:11:00 AM  
Blogger MW said...

Basically any statement that starts with the phrase "If you loved me..." from either a man or a woman is utter garbage, a manipulation, and shows a bigger lack of love and trust than anything that could have prompted it.

9/30/2005 02:05:00 PM  

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