Dude looks like a Ruddy or The US Postal Service comes a’grovelin'

What’s better than getting a piece of mail? Getting two pieces of mail, of course. Last night brought a double dose of mail for Ruddy Ruddy.

One’s a package of free samples of Total Effects 7x Visible Anti-aging Vitamin Complex from Oil of Olay (or, rather, "Olay." It looks like they’ve changed their name, and when you think about it, it’s a sensible marketing decision. After all, with so many skin-care products being marketing to fight oily skin, it must have been an unnecessarily tough sell to market one that actually had "oil" in the name.) I think this package lends more support to the increasingly popular "Ruddy Ruddy is a girl" theory. My co-worker Dave disagrees. "Guys can use this too," he says. "I use Clinique and Biotherm."

"Do you carry a purse too, you fancy Dan?" I ask. This confuses my other co-worker Dan, who is nearby, just within earshot.

At any rate, although Ruddy Ruddy’s gender is still a matter of controversy (and come to think of it, the Harlequin Blaze novels would fall on the female side of the argument), this package also seems to make another demographic claim: Since it contains products that "fight 7 signs of aging" – products of which Ruddy Ruddy is apparently in need – Ruddy Ruddy is no spring chicken. It’s tragic that his/her youth is slipping away, particularly since he/she has only been around a couple of months.

The other piece of mail is just a little booklet of recipes called "Fun Meals for Fussy Eaters." It’s more notable for having had a corner torn off it and subsequently having been bagged in a protective pouch, complete with an incredibly apologetic message from the US Postal Service. In deference to their apparent motto, "You can’t spell 'government mailing' without 'groveling man'," they seriously get down on their knees, saying:

Dear Postal Customer:

We sincerely regret the damage to your mail during handling by the Postal Service. We hope this incident did not inconvenience you. We realize that your mail is important to you and that you have every right to expect it to be delivered to you in good condition.

Although every effort is made to prevent damage to the mail, occasionally this will occur because of the great volume handled and the rapid processing methods which must be employed to assure the most expeditious distribution possible.

We hope you understand. We assure you that we are constantly striving to improve our processing methods in order that even a rare occurrence may be eliminated.

Please accept our apologies.

Sincerely,

Your Plant Manager
Processing & Distribution

Well, that just won’t cut it, US Postal Service! How dare you damage Ruddy Ruddy’s precious junk mail?!