For the birds

My living accommodations are for the birds -- literally. I managed to fill my bedroom with birdseed on Friday night. My friend Krista claims it was because I’m trying to attract chicks. But here’s what actually happened:

This summer, my friends Scott and Marlene got married. Every guest was given a small bag of birdseed to take home, the idea being that we should feed the birds at some future date and reflect upon the happy occasion. Of course, I simply threw the bag in my backpack and forgot about it. I did notice it the next time I needed to use my backpack, but I was in a hurry to pack, so I didn’t bother to take it out.

This time, I was in just as much of a hurry, having only a half-hour to pack, eat, check e-mail, and make some phone calls before hitting the road to go to my alma mater's Homecoming. I grabbed my backpack out of the closet and whirled around to start stuffing clothes into it. To my shock, the bag of birdseed had broken open by this point, and seed flew all over my room.

At that point, even though I was pressed for time, I had to sweep it all up. Otherwise, I’d come home after the weekend and I’d be guaranteed to find my room full of birds, and I’d have to call an exterminator to kill them all. It’s like leaving a mound of sugar on the kitchen counter; you’re sure to get ants. Plus, if I accidentally spilled any water, I’d probably end up growing sunflowers where I didn’t want them.

Scott had no sympathy when I arrived at his house (where I was staying) and told him about the incident after noticing that plenty of seed managed to stay in my backpack and got all over my clothes. “It serves you right for not celebrating our love,” he said. “Some groomsman you are.”

I’d like to say I spent a sleepless night when I returned home yesterday agonizing over my lack of a sense of romance or my dereliction of my duties as a groomsman, but in fact, I spent the night tossing and turning because it turned out my sheets were full of birdseed too. That stuff gets everywhere and it seems to multiply. That’s probably why I can’t remember ever seeing a skinny bird.