Bugged by a rug
I saw a toupee today that was so obvious I felt personally insulted. Did he really think I was so stupid I would believe it? If it had been any less subtle, it could have been reclassified as a hat. I should have confronted that guy.
Man vs. Clown!
In which the author explains why you're not capable of properly managing your own affairs and directs you how to behave more acceptably.
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
Links
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Previous Posts
- How I realized I'm a bit of a beer snob
- Ur-bacon
- Being vaguely insulting
- Friday fun
- Dusk-Man returns
- What was I thinking?
- Page Six
- I don't owe you dick from smack
- The Next Generation
- Talk to the animals
What People Are Saying about Peter Lynn
- "... has a hilarious blog"
- "my blog-hero"
- "one of my favorite internet celebrities ... someone to whom which I turn when I need to read about copy-editing or eating bathroom-chotch-laden crackers out of a sink."
- "... a funny guy who seems to work in an office. Nothing earth-shattering about this blog, just an intelligent, cynical take on the daily routine."
- "... beyond humourous and verging on the sublime. Also, he's Canadian!"
- "... I support Man vs. Clown! for best Canadian blog."
- "Man vs. Clown is probably my favorite humor blog right now."
- "Because you realized some of us may have gotten the idea you were funny, you felt it necessary to clear up the confusion. Is this what's happened here?"
- "Saucy and educational."
- "Impressively and enjoyably clever."
- "If you're so clever, then how come you're so damn short?"
- "My favourite sassy blogger ..."
- "You are amazing. You've just changed my life...."
- "You've really made a difference in this world."
- "... the one to go to for prognostication."
- "... pithy ..."
- "This guy is really good."
- "I wish I was this sassy. Anyone that can incorporate Dyson Spheres into their blogging deserves a hearty handshake."
- "Some serious blurting of laughter taking place here. Thanks, buddy."
- "Your blog looks good. Are you interested in increasing your blog traffic and making some extra cash? Then read tips & thoughts on making dollars online."
- "You often have a very commanding physical presence."
- "YOU ARE ANNOYING."
- "Candy cane ice cream reminds me of you."
- "... you almost come across as human in that story! Well done!"
- "... an angel by the name of Peter Lynn came unto me and showed me the way."
- "You are a heartless devil."
- "You're a funny guy, Lynner."
- "You're just like Hitler, only without the charisma."
- "... you're a dirty liar. Perhaps that's what makes you such a charming wee scamp."
- "You have a different kind of hearing. You have 'aggravated hearing'. Because everything in your ears sounds aggravating. That's why it is called 'aggravated hearing'."
- "Is it wrong that I enjoy reading this?"
- "... the blogger is so nice, and the site’s design and content is so unique"
- "... a heartless meanie"
- "You know, you should be the Canadian Garrison Keillor. I love you."
- "I'd hate you so much if I worked with you."
- "Seriously, if I worked with you you'd get a slap at least once a week."
- "Perhaps you have an ulcer or you are a vampire. Perhaps both."
- "Ruddy Ruddy puts a smile on my silly face and a skip in my gimpy step."
- "Pete, you're like a hero to me. Congratulations on knowing the right thing to do and then doing it."
- "your way of thinking if way off key. you should be ashamed of yourself. life is about more than fast cars,fast woman and drugs. you will have a very short lived and lonely life if you keep this up. you made such a joke of it all and lord help you. One day you will stand in front of god and have to explaine your actions. You can either change your ways or you will find yourself spending eternity in hell."
- "Why don't you shut up, you idiot?"
- "You're hated around the office, aren't you?"
- "U r the Anti-Dilbert!"
- "... pretty shallow-minded commentary if you ask me."
- "You made me laugh out loud. I like dirty Peter Lynn."
- "You made me laugh out loud but I'm never reading your blog again. You've broken the spell."
- "It takes a big, big man to admit that he soiled himself, so good on you. I think."
- "Comedy fucking gold. Sheer genius. I laughed and laughed until my soiled pants were clean. And then I cried, because every word you said was true."
- "Your misery brightens my day - thank you."
- "All I have to say is that you're lucky El Santo is dead."
- "As one who recently put a relationship in the opposite sex in quite possibly insurmountable jeopardy because of his love for edgy jokes, I'm on your side."
- "... what is up with your disassociational delusions? You are the jokester, always have been. When I worked with you, you amply filled the role of office jokester for a company of 300 people all on your own."
- "Thou art my grammatical superior."
- "I'm afraid to write to you. What if I use a semi-colon wrong?! It's very stressful for me."
- "That may be the funniest story I've ever heard. Offensive or not."
- "You. Are. A. God. My hat off to you, sir. In my 29 years of life I have yet to offend so many in such a cavalier way. Oh, I have tried, yes, but to have something this good in the antisocial arsenal... You magnificent bastard!"
- "I'm your friend and I'm scared of you, and I've been telling you for 18 months that if I worked with you I'd probably hate you."
- "Am I your only friend left?"
- "... we're no longer friends, after your gross calumny and slander on manvsclown."
- "So, I blogroll *and* recommend you in a post, and then it's pissing posts galore. That's just the way the world works, I guess."
- "You obviously have little education and certainly little money. IF you get lucky enough to win a lottery you'll then have a chance to know what a butler is...maybe you'll buy some lessons in manners as well."
- "Brilliant! How the hell do you not have more readers?"
- "Just wanted to say that I'm glad there are people out there like you correcting the kind of dreadful grammar that consistently gives me migraines."
- "Kudos, y'all, this blog is hilarious. I deem it bookmark-worthy."
- "Canadian bastard! That's it. We're invading Monday."
- "Why do you insist on ruining everything?"
- "you ... write like a seal clubbing Canadian"
- "You realize that your little workplace experiments are going to get you fired, right?"
- "Pete, you're my favourite kind of complete asshole"
- "you're ... a veritable cloud of assholes"
- Seriously --- your blog is one of the most fun reads on the Internets. Why, some people pay top dollar for this level of comedy gold! (Oh, and you're a veritable cloud of assholes.)
- "You really know how to produce a new and higher level of truth, Pete."
- "You're an idiot."
- "Kudos on sounding like a vitriolic jerk."
- "Inappropriate, full stop."
- "Thanks for ruining everything, Peter."
- "Look at you and your big head. You think you're the only contributor to Man VOOSE clown?"
Contributors
12 Comments:
Is it someone you're likely to see again? I look forward to hearing how it goes when you finally live up to your ideals and do confront him.
I don't know if it would do any good. I have been a firm believer that socks should never be worn with sandals, I have preached it, but it falls upon deaf ears. I've also tried to tell the guys I work with not to wear tapered legged jeans, and yet they still do. I tried to explain how wearing white atheltic socks with dress shoes is a faux pas, and yet they still mock me. Maybe I should get out of IT world.
It was just some guy sitting beside me in the subway. I actually feel bad because I was looking at his hair when we were both getting off at the same station and then I realized that he might have been able to see the reflection of me doing so in the glass in front of us. He had a downcast look on his face, and I can't decide whether he was specifically sad because I was looking at his toupee or just generally sad because he has a toupee.
There's actually a guy on my bus who often wears white socks with dress shoes, which upsets me, particularly because he crosses his legs in an effeminate way that I don't like in general but like even less in this instance because it exposes more sock to view. His hair is also noticably thinning at the crown.
I myself have worn socks with sandals in the past, but it was the work sock/Birkenstock-type sandal combination, and it was the '90s. I think that's defensible. A couple of Fridays ago, two of the girls at work were discussing the comeback of tapered jeans in horrified tones, and I rolled my jeans into a taper as a joke. I could bear it for no longer than 10 seconds.
Sans Trump, I saw the nastiest combover on this dude the other day. It's like he grew two snakes of side hair and slid them over the top. He still looked bald. There's just no good way to lose hair with dignity. It makes me wonder why more guys don't just shave their heads. When I see a bad combover or toupee, the only explanation is that they're trying to look respectable from afar at the expense of up close.
Peter, have you seen the ad for Snickers in which the guy's wearing a bunch of Snickers bars on his head like a toupee and some people in his office are gathered around, one of whom says to him sympathetically, "You're not fooling anybody"? Then the announcer says, "It's only satisfying if you eat it."
Maybe the next time you see a guy with an outrageously bad toupee you should sidle up, give him a sad, sympathetic smile and say, "Snickers are only satisfying if you eat them."
But then the guy in the commercial cries. Do you really want to be responsible for making a grown man cry? Give him a damn break, man, he's already balding.
As a member of the thinning and receding hair club, in my healthy mid-twenties, I can say that my diminishing hair has never once proven to be a factor in the quality of my life. I recently "came out of the closet" about it, by which I mean feeling confortable to make jokes about it with both close friends and new acquaintances.
What's the point here? I'm a handsome man, that's the point. But I wouldn't be if I tried growing and styling my hair in different ways. No matter what fears you have about baldness showing, it's always better to have a nice close clean cut and have it show proudly (à la Jason Statham) than to try and hide it and look unkempt and disheveled and pathetic (and still have everybody know).
I call out to all of you with hair upon your pillow! Either wait for a cure for baldness or else let the flag fly proudly! And for god sakes--never wear sweat pants!
Shuddup, Baldy.
I'm with thinningly handsome. To quote (or possibly misquote) Mystery in The Game, balding is a fate, but bald is a choice. There are plenty of bald sex symbols. Look at Mark Messier: Not only bald but kind of ugly too, yet he scored more off the ice than on.
However, wearing sweatpants is okay while you're doing the laundry. It's probably not okay to wear sweatpants with a worn-out waistband that fall down and bare your buttocks in the middle of the street as you carry your basket back from the laundromat, though, but that hasn't stopped me.
I'm not going to go as far as to say that bald men are sexier than fully haired ones. I mean, come on.
What I will say is that there are a lot of losers with hair out there, fat, brutal, socially awkward and the same goes for baldoids.
The challenge for a man with meager hair is to not be a loser simply because of that one fact. Having a secret or hiding it is one step closer to being a loser. If you were comfortable around people or 'got laid' a lot before you lost your hair, then there's no reason you can't keep on doing so.
Anyway, on to the next topic.
Now, when you say that Messier scored more off the ice than on, are you talking specifically about that time in the locker room with Gary Coleman?
Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Matty?!
I think what thinningly handsome is saying, and I agree, is that self-confidence is The Sexiest Thing. You know why I'm sexy while I'm shuffling down the street holding a laundry basket with an old pair of stained sweatpants around my ankles? Rock-solid buttocks and an equally rock-solid conviction that the world is lucky to see them. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to give my office window a pressed ham.
P.S. I have a long coat.
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