Thursday, May 25, 2006

An artifice which glorifies the Lord

Henceforth, I'm going to just start making up Scripture to back up my points. All I've got to do is get good at talking the talk so I can sound old-timey when I improv. Everyone will give me credit for being learned in the Bible, and really, no one's going to bother to look any of my references up. I'm pretty Jack Van Impe has been making up all his impressive rapid-fire Scriptural references on his TV show for years. And why not? After all, "an artifice which glorifies the Lord is a truth unto itself" (Proverbs 22:6).

See? I made that up. And it's better than the real Proverbs 22:6 ("Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it."), which, according to a Salon report, some fundamentalist Christian parents are now using to justify disciplining their children by beating them with quarter-inch plumbing supply line.

As you may know, I favour correcting behaviour via a nonviolent term of incarceration in a child-sized plastic hamster ball called the Sphere of Discipline. After all, is it not written "Suffer not children the rod, but, with clarity of purpose, imprison them within the orb"?*

*It is not.


Blogger TinaPoPo said...

My parents preferred the "wooden spoon of wrath," because according to Deuterononomy 8:5, "Know then in your heart that as a man disciplines his son with the instrument of stirring, so the LORD your God disciplines and stirs your soul."

5/25/2006 01:10:00 PM  
Anonymous Tom said...

I always liked Proverbs 32:12 - "A prudent man hideth his sins from the LORD; the simple are unashamed and they are punished.

Good old Proverbs.

5/25/2006 01:59:00 PM  
Blogger Scott said...

I think you'd better read Revelation 22:18, Peter. "For I testify unto every man that heareth the words of the book of this prophecy, If any man shall add unto these things, God shall add unto him the plagues that are written in this book."

5/25/2006 04:00:00 PM  
Blogger Peter Lynn said...

Holy shit! The Bible has an End User License Agreement!

5/25/2006 04:21:00 PM  
Anonymous goken04 said...

No, it's fine, that verse only applies to Revelation... as long as your adding to PROVERBS, you're chill.

I think I will also start making up verses. People will totally believe me, too, for as it's written, "He that preacheth the word of thy Lord shall not deceive you. Nay, all words from his mouth shall speak truth unto thy ears." That's from 1 John 3:1-2.

5/27/2006 02:34:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"And though your children weepeth, stay not your hand, for they are befouled by their mother's loins in the eyes of The Lord, Our God."

Ephesians 15:2

Nah, I made that up.

8/29/2007 06:24:00 PM  

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