Why I never got "the talk"
I was chatting with a friend online. "I'm reading smut," she said. "It's fun." I asked what kind. "Jackie Collins," she said.
I actually read a few Jackie Collins books as a kid. My mom had a couple, and it was made very clear that I was not allowed to read them, so of course I did. I also read Harold Robbins' The Carpetbaggers for the same reason. Quite a racy potboiler, that one.
Oh my god. I just figured out how my mom taught me about the birds and the bees.
(Come to think of it, there was also another time she forbade me from reading a book. "Son," she said sternly. "You are not to read this illustrated edition of Dr. Alex Comfort's The Joy of Sex. I am going to put this away in the crawl space downstairs. Next to where we keep the flashlight.")
6 Comments:
I read "The Joy of Sex" at the library when I was a kid, which is how I learned everything. My parents never even brought up the possibility of giving me "the talk," at least not as far as I know.
For me it was Jacqueline Susann novels, though.
I'd always assumed I learned everything I needed to know from discarded porn magazines found in the woods. But when I was in the market for watercolour illustrations of hippies licking each other's hairy armpits in the name of foreplay, Dr. Sexy Lexy was the go-to guy.
I assume my parents had the talk early (I *am* Swedish, after all), because I genuinely cannot remember a time when I didn't know at least the basics of procreation.
Details like vagina placement and angle were things I only arrived at through empirical investigation with girls my own age, however.
My daddy told me boobies were cool but vaginas were where it was at. In celebration of this, we clinked our Labbat 50 bottles up real high. It was 1981. The couch was brown, orange and striped. We were watching Fantasy Island. I was six. Effin' A.
The best porn I got as a kid was 'Clan of the Cave Bear' by Jean M. Auel. That stuff was hot. And by "hot" I mean "vaguely nauesating". Neanderthals knobbing? No thanks.
Picture Darryl Hannah, and all will be fine.
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