Update unrelated to previous update

Hello. I'm Scott. I'm a new poster to this blog. I'm going to say interesting and funny things just like Peter.




Thank you.

Guest Update: The Mystery Updater!

What which DORzyll is a DORmeen? Peter is the Answer. Who ate the ANTlees? No. No. Who eight the ANTlees? No. No. Who ARNfillBANDERfilled that ORDLEmits. Sometimes each every went ONLY at the once. It's been it's BECAUSE. Because. NOBODY can know can tell. NOBODY can tell.

Who is it? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW! HahaAHaHAAhahahaAahHAAH!

A test update for Scott

Here is a link.

Forming full sentences now

Greetings from Kingston, where I'm writing from the house of my only reader!

I just wanted to point out that convicted drunk driver George W. Bush has his own G.I. Joe figure now, in which he's wearing the flight suit from his infamous press conference appearance on the U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln. You can get your own Dubya action figure for a mere $39.99, although if you're an American taxpayer, you really ought to be able to get some kind of discount, considering that it was your tax dollars that were used to stage this ridiculously expensive photo op in the first place.

Oh, and while we're talking about photos and image retouching, have a look at this and this.

The ups and downs of my relationship with Brittany Murphy

I've been a little leery of Brittany Murphy ever since I had this dream that she was really upset because she lost her job doing the voice of Luanne on King Of The Hill (she used to do the voice of Joseph too and lost that gig after the character hit puberty). I consoled her and she tearfully invited me on a date, whereupon she led me into an ambush and the entire roster of the Queen's Golden Gaels football team beat the living crap out of me. I know the real Ms. Murphy had nothing to do with this, but I couldn't help mistrusting her just a little bit.

However, I've begun to warm to her. It's clear that she's a talented comic actress with a great deal of charisma, after all. And she's not bad to look at, either. But what really won me over was the killer quip she got off on Letterman regarding her ex-boyfriend Ashton Kutcher's May-December relationship with Demi Moore:

"I suppose the crux of their relationship is that to him age doesn't matter and to her size doesn't matter."

PUNK'D!

Texas Hold 'em

Once again, the politics of the United States appall. While all my attention was focused on the sheer criminality taking place in the White House and with the California recall -- and who wouldn't be distracted by the antics of the pot-smoking, Nazi-supporting, gangbang-participating Arnold Schwarzenegger? -- I'd kind of missed that the Republicans are attempting to steal the state of Texas as well. If you thought gerrymandering went out in the 19th century, then you're forgetting that, so far as the Grand Old Party is concerned, a return to the 19th century wouldn't be a bad thing at all.

The Republicans are trying to redraw the electoral map to eliminate between five and seven Democratic congressional seats, thus guarantee themselves a bigger representation in congress. This, despite the fact that Texas redraws its electoral districts every ten years, and last did so ten years ago. That ought to settle it for the next seven years, but then again, the Republicans might not be in power then, so it's time to take action now. Eleven Democratic state senators have fled Texas and are holed up in exile in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in order to deny the Republicans the quorum necessary to push this vote through. If they return to Texas, they'll be arrested and dragged to the statehouse in order for the vote to take place. Back in May, when the redistricting attempts first began, and Speaker of the House Tom Craddick actually sent state troopers and the Texas Rangers after 55 Democratic congressmen who likewise fled to prevent a quorum, and House Majority Leader Tom DeLay commandeered 13 FAA employees to locate the jet that one of these Democrats used to flee.

It's unbelievable. Given a chance, the Republicans will use every legal power within their means to either exile or arrest and detain opposing political parties. Be it the Ba'ath Party of Iraq or the Democratic party of the United States, it seems to make little difference.

Ruddy Ruddy

Back when I lived at the original LIP-JOES house in Kingston, we used to occasionally receive mail from Columbia House addressed to "Ruddy Ruddy." I always thought this was great. Ruddy Ruddy? That's not even a name! It wasn't even "Rudy Ruddy," which could actually be a name. And why "Ruddy"? It seemed like an odd word to pick. It kind of conjured up a face to go with the name, like a red-faced Scotsman so incredibly ruddy, he actually had to be named "Ruddy" -- and not just once, but twice. And at the same time, the whole repeating-name thing seemed foreign and exotic, like "Zsa Zsa" or "Bora Bora." Some previous resident at our address had obviously bilked Columbia House out of free CDs by using a fake name, and really rubbed their faces in it by using the fakest name possible. For this reason, it's the greatest fake name I've ever heard.

Today, I got a package of free coupons addressed to Ruddy Ruddy! I was startled for a moment. Was he following me from house to house? Or rather, was I somehow unknowingly following him? Then I vaguely remembered signing up for free stuff with that name months ago, in commemoration of the original fakester. And it worked! I hope I get all kinds of free stuff under this name, and I encourage you to do it too. As for my package of coupons, I'm not using any of them. I'm framing the whole thing unopened to celebrate the launching of my career in mail fraud, just like a millionaire might frame the first dollar he ever made.

Japan is the greatest country on earth

For a while, I've been asking for a powered exoskeleton that will do all the walking for me while I just sit, relax, and let my legs atrophy. Dutifully, the Japanese have developed just such a device. Between this and the fact that they've made it possible to buy underwear from a vending machine, Japan is the greatest country on earth. The exoskeleton is designed for the elderly and the "gait disorder person." It's also named HAL, apparently by designers completely oblivious of the evil computer from 2001: A Space Odyssey that represents the best example in pop culture of a machine turning against its masters.

Or is it a warning? Might these things run away with their geriatric masters? Could several exoskeletons unite to form a single giant robot? And if that doesn't seem like an omnipotent enough being, could scientists combine the exoskeleton with this technology and build their own Jesus?

Better yet, if Japan's going to use their technology to make our short-lived TV shows a reality, is there some way we could get them to work on actually getting Andy Richter to control the universe?

"Entrepreneur": A fair and balanced look

Good news from the legal world: Fox News has dropped its frivolous and unwinnable lawsuit against Al Franken over the use of the phrase "fair and balanced."

Bad news: A California-based magazine has won exclusive rights to the word "entrepreneur." Entrepreneur Media Inc., publisher of Entrepreneur magazine, now has the "exclusive right to use the mark in commerce."

How'd they win "entrepreneur" as a descriptive trademark? "They've gotten that because they've shown continuous use for at least five years, and they certify that the word has gained secondary meaning, and that is to identify their magazine," says William D. Neal, a senior executive at SDR Consulting in Atlanta who provides expert testimony in trademark cases. The magazine began operations in 1978. So that means that by 1983, every time you used the word "entrepreneur" (originally coined in 1852, by the way), you couldn't help but think of this brand-new magazine somewhere out in California. That's got to be one of the fastest linguistic changes since James Daly allegedly invented the word "quiz" by chalking it all over Dublin. Or it would be, if it weren't obviously a steaming load of crap.

So this means that if you use that word in the name of your business -- as did EntrepreneurPR, the public relations firm on the losing end of the legal tussle -- you're looking down the barrels of a lawsuit. So says Entrepreneur magazine. Interestingly, though, Entrepreneur Media Inc. may well be hoisted by its own petard, since the name of that business -- yep -- not only infringes upon that of another company, but that of a competing business magazine. Not only is Inc. magazine better established in the marketplace, with a larger circulation than Entrepreneur (680,719, compared to 547,421), but it's been operating continuously under that name since at least 1986. So, now that the precedent's been set, Inc. is apparently entitled to sue Entrepreneur Media Inc. -- along with every other company on the face of the earth with "Inc." in its name -- for infringing on its descriptive trademark. Cha-ching!

Come and ride my Magic Bus

My good friend Mike came to visit last night, driving up from Kingston with his friend Rob. We were hanging out in my yard, getting ready to go out, when this bus --one with a sign reading "Magic Bus" -- pulled up in front of the house across the street. "That's odd," I said. "I don't remember this street being on a magic bus route." We soon realized that this bus was jammed with girls in a celebratory mood, apparently on their way to a stagette. As the bus pulled away, girls cheered, waved out the window at us, and shouted, "We'll be at Schmooze!"

So, we immediately jumped on the net to see what this Schmooze was. Unfortunately, it looked like a pretty trendy spot, and neither Rob nor Mike had bothered to bring anything dressier than jeans along with them. I didn't have anything that would fit either, and the stores were all closed. So, there wasn't any use in going, since they were bound to be turned away at the door. We were left feeling much like Harry and Lloyd at the end of Dumb and Dumber; we'd had our chance to get on the Swedish Bikini Team's bus and we'd missed it.

Moral: Whenever you go anywhere -- even if it's just a day trip -- bring a nice pair of pants and a nice shirt. Get a new pair of pants and shirt and just throw them in the trunk of your car or something. Bring nice shoes too, though it's safer to just wear nice shoes all the time. No joke there, just advice.

Take me out to the bluhhhh-gay

Maybe it's old hat to make fun of Ozzy. Then again, maybe it's not! Not when he (accompanied by Sharon chirping away merrily) mumbles and garbles time-honored favorites such as "Take Me Out To The Ballgame," as he did during the seventh-inning stretch at Wrigley Field on Sunday, Aug. 17. Listen here, or better yet, see it here. You just might be able to see the fans prompting Ozzy as to what comes after "one" in the "one--two--three" sequence.

Now that's fair and balanced!

Great news for comedian Al Franken and his new book. Not only has a judge slapped down the attempt of the Fox network to sue him over his use of their "fair and balanced" trademark, calling the suit "wholly without merit," but he also called the mark "weak" and unlikely even to be a valid trademark. This means that Fox may not be able to pursue their case against Franken, but if they try, they may lose the trademark they're trying to defend. Even if they don't try, they'll still probably lose it eventually. And they should. It's obvious that it's a weak trademark that Fox News shouldn't ever have been allowed to register. It's not like they made the phrase "fair and balanced" up. The phrase has been around since long before Fox News itself. So for them to show up and suddenly announce that we can't use it anymore is ridiculous. So, good for U.S. District Judge Denny Chin for saying so, for having such a keenly-tuned bullshit detector, and for thoroughly lambasting Fox at virtually every turn.

Frankly, I never believed that Franken could lose the case for a moment. Not when he's got Judge Roy Bean on his side too.

Hey kids, smoking is cool! Let's geek it up a bit then, shall we?

Someone clearly wasn't using his computer to watch GI Joe Public Service Announcements, but instead for just the kind of purposes that Gung Ho and Snake-Eyes might have warned you against. (I just wanted to mention here that I just learned that the voice of Gung Ho and Cobra Commander from the G.I. Joe cartoon was also the original voice of Moe and Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. That's kind of weird.)

Anyway, I'm torn here. I'm not a smoker. It's a horrible, horrible habit. But on the other hand, I have to admire the ingenuity of this idea, though I question the wisdom of installing an actual fire inside a machine that already requires a fan to be installed to cool its piping-hot innards. I'd also be more impressed if it had some kind of software that allowed it to be activated by clicking on an icon or something, but this looks like it's just hardware. But if you chain-smoke and hate to get up from your computer, this is clearly the ideal device for you.

My favorite part? The makers suggest you could also use it with an adaptor to power a CD player. Or you could, you know, just put a disc in your CD-ROM drive and play it that way.

Because Knowing Is Half the Battle

Much debate has erupted in certain quarters as to the authenticity of these new G.I. Joe cartoons. However, I assure you, they're done by the same guy: a Chicago filmmaker named Eric Fensler. Apparently, he's done about 27 of these things or so. And here are four more! (Well, we've seen a couple of these before, but not in Quicktime format.)

Another cup of Joe

Yes, guy! More G.I. Joe! Check out the bottom of the page.

20 Nutrition and Exercise Tips You Should Know

· Diet soft drinks are a popular way of cutting calories. Drink a can of diet cola instead of the regular kind, and over a year (at five cans per week), you'll have taken in approximately 9500 fewer calories less. That's almost three pounds of fat, which more than compensates for the weight gained in tumors caused by artificial sweeteners.

· Most major fast-food chains have pamphlets available to give you a better understanding of the nutritional value of the foods they serve. Ask for one next time you pick up a burger, then eat that.

· Instead of adding butter to your popcorn, try some flaxseed oil and a touch of cayenne pepper. It will cut down on the "bad fats" and give you a healthy serving of "good fats," and it tastes so unbelievably horrible you won't be able to choke down more than a handful.

· Think your body is doing nothing while you sleep? A 150-pound person will burn 515 calories over an 8-hour sleep period just by breathing, circulating blood, etc. By sleeping 24 hours per day, you can burn 1545 calories. That's 10,815 per week -- almost 3 pounds of fat! Try to get bitten by a tsetse fly or sustain a head injury serious enough to put you into a short-term coma.

· Take the stairs instead of an escalator or elevator. Over the span of a year (using the stairs an average of 4 times per day), you can burn 10,020 calories (almost 3 pounds of fat). Compare that to the mere 1460 calories burned by standing in an elevator or on an escalator. To burn even more calories, climb up and down the side of the building with a rope and grappling hook or shinny up a drainpipe.

· Avocados are the fruit with the highest calorie content (with approximately 340 calories in one raw, average-sized fruit) while plums are the lowest (approximately 36 calories in one raw, average-sized fruit). On the other hand, figuring out whether the plural of "avocado" is supposed to end in "-os" or "-oes" can burn extra calories.

· Cutting back by consuming just 48 fewer calories per day may lead to losing an extra 5 pounds in one year. Try to stop compulsively pulling out and eating your own hair

· Drink ice water flavored with lemon instead of regular soft drinks, and you'll cut your calories by up to 110 per glass, and your enjoyment even more considerably.

· Exercise your legs, butt, and thighs. You can not only shape and firm up these areas, but you can also burn more calories by working out these larger muscle groups than you would other smaller body parts. Try walking down to the videogame rental store for a change.

· A can of regular beer has about 117 calories. Prefer wine? A 3.5-ounce glass of red wine has about 74 calories. You can cut out the fat by cutting out the alcohol and paying some attention to your spouse and children for a change, you lousy, stinking drunk.

· The average person watches four hours of TV per day. That burns only about 286 calories (for a 150-pound person). That is approximately the same as only 30 minutes of in-line skating! In theory, if you rollerblade while watching a Sony Watchman, you can probably achieve a cumulative calorie loss of 322 calories per hour.

· Try almond butter instead of peanut butter on your toast. It contains less of the "bad" saturated fat, since it so obviously doesn't even exist. I mean, come on: "almond butter"?

· It will take an 81-minute jog to burn off a cheeseburger and fries. Feel like running for an hour and 21 minutes? Yeah? Can you bring me back a cheeseburger and fries, then?

· To burn off one brownie, it will take you almost a half-hour run. And to think it only took 30 seconds to eat! Need energy to run? Substitute cocaine where your brownie recipe calls for hashish.

· Sensible eating and regular exercise are the best ways to take weight off and keep it off. Fad diets can be hard on your body and are difficult to stick to for any period of time, much like trying to eat a 72-ounce steak. Of course, if you finish the steak, it's free and you get a T-shirt and your photo on the wall of the restaurant. Start practicing now by eating as much red meat as you can at every meal and you should be able to expand your stomach.

· Looking for a healthy, filling snack? One wedge (286 g) of watermelon has only 86 calories and has a high water content, which can make you feel more full. You can burn even more calories by smashing your watermelon with a giant mallet.

· If you buy canned fruit, try to avoid the ones packed in syrup or you might end up packing on the pounds. (Added syrup can as much as double the calorie count). If you happen to buy fruit packed in syrup, simply drink the syrup and discard the fruit, since the syrup has the same amount of calories as the fruit or less.

· Which has more calories, 2 slices of cooked bacon or 2 cups of whole strawberries? Believe it or not, they actually contain nearly the same amounts. But eating 2 slices of uncooked bacon can make you too sick to eat for days, leading to significant weight loss.

· Three large gumdrops contain approximately 140 calories. Ever eat just three gumdrops? You could try buying really, really big gumdrops, like the size of your head. That'd be like a loophole or something.

Nice catch, blanco niño!

I am in Jay Pinkerton's debt for bringing this to my attention, though by all rights he should be doing my laundry now. It's been a long while since I literally pissed my pants laughing, but "Porkchop sandwiches!" did the job.

Each of these Quicktime movies is a safety tip taken from the old G.I. Joe cartoon, remixed with new audio, and they're absolutely hilarious. Check out the carnival one, the downed power line one, the campfire safety one, and the compilation with the reggae singing, but I particularly recommend (along with the aforementioned "Porkchop sandwiches") the one about falling through ice and the one about the nosebleed.

Pure genius. With any justice, these will reach "All your base are belong to us" levels of popularity.

Rating the Bens from the Ones to the Tens

I've lately got to wondering: Do I like anyone named Ben? The answer is yes! But only some of them. Rated here, from best to worst, are ten famous Bens. Let's see how they fare:

1. Ben Kenobi: The absolute best of the lot. A teacher, a warrior, a Jedi master, and a class act all the way. Strike him down, and he will only become more powerful than you can possibly imagine.

2. Benjamin Franklin: Scientist, Founding Father, kite enthusiast, and the inventor of devices of such immense practicality as bifocals and the gloryhole. And without Ben Franklin, there could be no Franklin Mint.

3. Ben-Hur: Jewish prince, chariot racer, and unwitting homosexual.

4: Ben Stiller: Always a watchable comedic presence. The prospect of his reuniting with Zoolander co-star Owen Wilson breathes hope into the prospect of the Starsky and Hutch remake not only not sucking as much as the idea of turning a 70's TV show into a movie would seem to indicate, but actually being laugh-out-loud hilarious. And Snoop Dogg as Huggy Bear? I'm there, fo' shizzle!

5. Big Ben: Reliably chiming the hours for nigh on 150 years, it's a rare clock that beats this one for classic style.

6. Dr. Ben Casey: Neither the coolest or the uncoolest of the TV doctors, but a damn fine neurosurgeon nonetheless.

7. Gentle Ben: A bit of a wuss for a grizzly bear, to tell the truth. But he did distinguish himself by hanging out with both Balok and McCloud.

8. Ben Savage: The Jim Belushi to Fred's John: a good enough substitute if the other one happens to be dead.

9. Ben Affleck: A smug, smirking creep who would be pretty much worthless if not for having something to do with Good Will Hunting. His selection as People's "Sexiest Man Alive" over such oafish-but-universally-lusted-after candidates as Vin Diesel has to be one of the greatest miscarriages of electoral justice in recent memory.

10. Ben Mulroney: Untalented and utterly worthless, with nothing to distinguish him but a famous name -- and a tainted one, at that. Mulroney has no business whatsoever in the public eye, unless he's burying himself under an avalanche.

"Purposeless Wandering"

As a small offering, a couple of signs of the times: Scale manufacturers have increased the industry standard for the top reading from 270-300 pounds to 330-400 pounds in response to the fattening of America. It's certainly a lot more convenient than taking your kids to the truck scales to be weighed.

On a similar note, perhaps encouraged by the fact that you don't see a lot of fat, homeless, crazy people, the CDC endorses "purposeless wandering" as exercise. I like that. It kind of puts a positive spin on a kind of sad, pointless activity. Of course, if it's exercise, it's no longer purposeless.

All in All, A Pine Tree Air Conditioner Would Have Been More Tasteful

A Quebec man has been charged with drunk driving causing death after ramming a pedestrian and leaving him embedded in the windshield after the accident. If this sounds familiar, it's because a Texas woman was recently found guilty of doing pretty much the same thing. Although it's certainly unusual for Texans to set the fashion and then have the French follow, it's kind of a refreshing change from the usual state of things for them to see eye to eye.

Well it's 1969, okay / Got a war across the USA / There's nothing here for me and you / Just sitting here with nothing to do.

If they can put a man on the moon, why can't they cure Third-World hunger? India seems to be approaching the problem by tackling one job and then the other, having announced plans for an unmanned moon mission by 2008. China's way ahead of them, of course, and has pledged to put a man on the moon by the end of the decade. To quote Tina Fey: On behalf of all of us, welcome to the 1960s, China.

It would be a lot easier to laugh, of course, if we were doing anything of note in space right now. Aren't we supposed to be living on Mars in domes now? If we leave now, we can catch it while it's close. It's pretty sad that our space program peaked in 1969.

Other things that peaked in 1969:

- Upstate New York actually being a happening place instead of merely "the land that house paint forgot."
- Manson Family murders and Dennis Wilson wiping his brow with relief.
- Beatles performing on rooftops
- Ted Kennedy driving off bridges
- Skeet Ulrich being born.
- The U.S.S. Enterprise blowing up and killing off crew members.

You gotta lose your mind for newfound Rock City

This is easily the best news I've seen in a while: Rock archaelogists have unearthed a lost album by Rock City, the group that became Big Star when Alex Chilton joined. Big Star is, of course, the quintessential power-pop group and the biggest cult band in rock'n'roll outside the Velvet Underground, and the inspiration to groups such as R.E.M. and The Replacements. Most people probably come closest to having heard them through Cheap Trick's cover of "In The Street", which is the theme to That '70s Show. If you haven't heard them, run out of your house right now and down to the local record shop and buy a copy of their first two albums, which are conveniently collected on a single CD. Don't finish this sentence. Don't put on pants. Just go. Trust me.

This is simply fantastic news. It's like finding a lost Beatles album from before John Lennon joined the band or something like that (and I know John Lennon didn't actually join after the other guys; just work with me here for a minute), except that Big Star laboured in obscurity only for a couple of albums before breaking up. I make this comparison because Big Star, like the Beatles, was a group with two main creative forces: Alex Chilton and Chris Bell. (And, of course, the Beatles were a big influence on Big Star.) Hearing this will help give a clearer idea of just what each man brought to the table. Big Star was also like the Beatles in that each was more than the sum of its parts, but -- oh -- what parts! I imagine this will be the perfect companion piece to Chilton's 1970, which was recorded at pretty much the same time.

Simply put, the Big Star canon is an essential purchase for the true believers who worship rock and roll. And this is the Dead Sea Scrolls. And I'm totally in pretentious rock-writer mode or something.

Stocc's Place

This would be a good thing for you to look at: the home of a few of the strange, funny cartoons created by my longtime friend Scott. If you ever thought of a talking lightbulb and a giant roll of packing tape as the original odd couple, then this is the place for you. (Well, you might be better suited to one of these places instead, but if the kids around Brockville are still anything like I was in high school, they've got nothing better to amuse themselves with than to bang on the bars of your windows at night and get you all riled up.)

Man vs. Clown!

So. This is "Man vs. Clown!", a weblog.

In the beginning (as the only literature worthy of compare starts), I was dubious of these so-called "blogs." "Aren't they just on-line diaries?" I thought. Why would you post your innermost thoughts for all to see? Don't diaries come with locks on them? And aren't they for 12-year-old girls? Man, blogs are stupid."

Later, I found out that "blog" stood for "weblog" and that the whole point was to chronicle your meanderings on the Web. "Oh," I thought. "That's less idiotic." Still later, I found out that they were free. Free? The sound of free is sweet music to my ears. Even if I never share it with another human being, I'll still take one. Blogs, then, are a lot like those condoms they gave out in the first week of university.

So why "Man vs. Clown!" anyway? Well, as I write this, the city of Toronto is recovering from the largest blackout in North American history. As it turns out, there was very little trouble. There was very little looting and even the buses weren't nearly as crowded as they might have been. The worst that police chief Julian Fantino seemed to have had to deal with was when a reporter confused him for some kind of army officer during a press conference, and he had to get a little cross and explain that he didn't speak for the army because he wasn't actually in the army. He was just wearing a fancy hat and epaulets. Toronto seems to have weathered this crisis pretty well, and I'm kind of disappointed.

Why couldn't it have been more like the Circus Riot of 1855? Firemen brawling in the streets with clowns! Tents pulled down! Circus wagons set afire and pushed into the lake! Mayor Mel Lastman called out of his bed to race to the scene in his nightshirt and tearfully plead for peace!

It probably fair to say that people aren't any better now than they are then. Hell, Lastman himself (and his goons) once shouldered me and a friend off a crosswalk and into traffic while we were laden down with groceries. But -- man! -- it sure seems like when people went berzerk back then, they sure did it in the coolest, most amusing ways possible. Don't tell me we've lost our sense of whimsy; we can bust stuff in style too.

So, now that the power's back on, I'm going to turn all the lights in the house, watch the TV and listen to the stereo at the same time, start a blog so I can spend even more hours on the computer (and maybe even pass along some links that'll angry up your blood), and heat the house by leaving the oven on all the time. It'll be like a Rosa Luxemburg-type thing, except instead of going whole-hog on the capitalism thing until it breaks and we're plunged into revolution, we'll be doing it with technology. Then, when we overload the power grid and throw the city into darkness once again, it'll be time to do it right and duke it out in the streets! Pull down the tents! Set the wagons on fire and push 'em into the lake! Katy bar the door -- it's going to be a pier 6 brawl!

And when Mayor Mel races to the scene, I'm going to be there to rip off his nightcap and laugh at his hair. Once again, it'll be man vs. clown in the streets of Hogtown!