Media quote of the year

Found in a thread at Testy Copy Editors about withering vegetable Terri Schiavo, the contents of whose skull have largely atrophied and been replaced by cerebrospinal fluid:

A DeSoto-Sun columnist, Thomas Knickerbocker, this morning prefaced his thoughts on the issue this way: "To me, the decision of what to do with Terri Schiavo is a no-brainer."

Signs that your movie was made in 1986

Manhunter: William Petersen walks by a shelf containing Mr. T cereal while grocery shopping.

Angry Bed Positions

Maybe I've posted this before, maybe I haven't. But even if I have, the page changed URLs, so here you go (again or for the first time): Mil Millington's Angry Bed Positions.

This Place Sucks

Check out This Place Sucks, a video mashup of Superfriends and Office Space.

I can't decide what my favorite part is: Aquaman's "O-face" or Batman and Robin's utterly appalled looks when Wonder Woman says, "Oh no! Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays."

Superman Origin Comics IV: The Quest for Closure

404!

I bet you didn't think a blog could give you a 404 error, did you? Well, it can't. I took the Superman comic down. Click here to read why.

The old razzle-dazzle

"Five against one" has long been my favorite euphemism for masturbation. "Five against one?" I'll exclaim, retreating to my room. "I like those odds!"


However, I've realized that given the early connotations of the word that now refers exclusively to America's first original indigeous art form, "jazz hands" is an accurate and literal description of the act. So I think I'll try that one out for a while.

In this corner, weighing in at 35 pounds ...

Who's my favorite professional wrestler of all time? "The Nature Boy" Ric Flair? Bret "The Hitman" Hart? "Stone Cold" Steve Austin?

None of the above. La Parka -- the dancing skeleton luchador -- leaves them all behind. And this video of his ring entrance is just one example of why he will always be world champion of my heart.

Endless Summary: Vol. 21 – Love You

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Let Us Go On This Way": Carl says you make sitting in class more than tolerable.
   
2. "Roller Skating Child": Mike has a crush on a girl at the roller rink.
   
3. "Mona": Dennis would like to listen to Phil Spector songs with the title character.
   
4. "Johnny Carson": Mike enjoys watching the Tonight Show.
   
5. "Good Time" (recorded for Landlocked): Brian doesn't know that he and his girlfriend will last, but they don't care, as they're just looking to have fun.
6. "Honkin' Down The Highway": Al is caught in traffic on his way to a hot date.
   
7. "Ding Dang": Mike loves a girl madly, but she treats him badly.
   
8. "Solar System": Brian explains astronomy.
   
9. "The Night Was So Young": A lovesick Carl can't sleep, so he gets up and has some milk.
   
10. "I'll Bet He's Nice": Dennis, Brian, and Carl imagine your new boyfriend is a good guy, but don't want confirmation on that, as they're still in love with you.
    
11. "Let's Put Our Hearts Together": Brian and his first wife Marilyn vow to stay together forever.
    
12. "I Wanna Pick You Up": Dennis and Brian want to tickle your feet, shampoo your hair, and feed you breakfast from a little cup.
    
13. "Airplane": Mike and Brian can't wait for their airplane ride to be over so they can meet their lover at the airport.
    
14. "Love Is A Woman": Brian and Mike advise you to treat your woman nicely and tell her she smells good tonight.
    

The George Foreman USB iGrill

I was fact-checking the name of the George Foreman Grill today ("George Foreman Grill" or just "Foreman Grill"?) and this Google hit made me do a double take: The George Foreman USB iGrill. It's a griddle that hooks up to your computer.

Included in the write-up is this selling point:

Running late at work? Need to get dinner on the table? It is easy to warm up the
iGrill from any internet connection. With a little advance planning, your meal
can be ready when you get home!

Sounds great! But hold on a second -- wouldn't that require leaving your meat in the grill all day, just sitting out on the counter at room temperature? Maybe not such a great idea.

Then I noticed the URL: http://www.thinkgeek.com/stuff/looflirpa/igrill.shtml. Not only have I been tricked again by what a little research shows to be a two-year-old joke, but geeks everywhere aren't giving themselves salmonella poisoning after all. A doubly sad day.

Superman Origin Comics III

404!

I bet you didn't think a blog could give you a 404 error, did you? Well, it can't. I took the Superman comic down. Click here to read why.

Endless Summary: Vol. 20 – 15 Big Ones

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Rock And Roll Music": Mike covers Chuck Berry.
   
2. "It's OK": Mike figures there's nothing wrong with jumping in the hot rod and going down to the beach for a little fun.
   
3. "Had To Phone Ya": The boys just wanted to call and let you know they missed you.
   
4. "Chapel Of Love": Brian covers the Dixie Cups.
   
5. "Everyone's In Love With You": Mike lets God know that people dig him.
   
6. "Talk To Me": Carl wants his Floridan girlfriend to tell him she loves him.
   
7. "That Same Song": Brian thinks Gregorian chants and rock music are pretty much the same thing, when it comes down to it.
   
8. "TM Song": Al says trancendental meditation works for him even better than expected, and you ought to give it a whirl too.
   
9. "Palisades Park": Carl covers Freddy Cannon.
   
10. "Susie Cincinnati" (recorded for Landlocked): Al pays tribute to a cab-driving hooker.
11. "A Casual Look": Mike and Al get married before they go overseas on military service (not to each other).
    
12. "Blueberry Hill": Mike covers Fats Domino.
    
13. "Back Home": Brian is excited by the prospect of going home to the farm where he can do chores and go to bed early.
    
14. "In The Still Of Night (I'll Remember)": Dennis covers the Five Satins.
    
15. "Just Once In My Life": Carl and Brian cover the Righteous Brothers.
    

Endless Summary: Vol. 19 – Holland

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Sail On Sailor": Blondie gets buffeted about by storms, but never capsizes.
   
2. "Steamboat": Carl pledges to Robert Fulton that he will make his invention operational.
   
3. "California Saga/Big Sur" (recorded for Landlocked in a frankly better version): Mike plans to go camping.
4. "California Saga/Beaks Of Eagles": Al and Mike read a poem about an old eagle who mates with her own son.
   
5. "California Saga/California": Mike is on his way to sunny Californ-i-a.
   
6. "The Trader": Carl gives a brief account of the taming of North America by the early European explorers and settlers.
   
7. "Leaving This Town": Blondie finds it hard to get by now that all his friends have gone away, and wonders if he should follow suit.
   
8. "Only With You": Carl loves, has done certain things, and wants to spend his life exclusively with you.
   
9. "Funky Pretty": Carl, Blondie, Al, and Mike appreciate women born under the sign of Pisces.
   

Endless Summary: Vol. 18 – Carl and the Passions – "So Tough"

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "You Need A Mess Of Help To Stand Alone": Carl needs your support to get by.
   
2. "Here She Comes": Crazy woman, can't you see that Ricky and Blondie are giving?
   
3. "He Come Down": Mike pays a gospel-style tribute to both Jesus and transcendental meditation.
   
4. "Marcella": Carl pays tribute to a prostitute that Brian patronized.
   
5. "Hold On Dear Brother": Blondie asks that you hold on, dear brother.
   
6. "Make It Good": You may cry on Dennis' shoulder, as he loves you.
   
7. "All This Is That": You, Carl, Al, and everything are all one and the same.
   
8. "Cuddle Up": The night has come, so cuddle up to Dennis.
   

Endless Summary: Vol. 17 – Surf's Up

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Don't Go Near The Water": Mike and Al warn you about water pollution and encourage you to help.
   
2. "Long Promised Road": Carl overcomes unpecified obstacles.
   
3. "Take A Load Off Your Feet" (recorded for Landlocked): Al believes foot care to be very important.
4. "Disney Girls": Bruce yearns for an old-fashioned girl and a simple, small-town life.
   
5. "Student Demonstration Time": Mike sings college protest lyrics through a microphone to the tune of The Coasters' "Riot in Cell Block #9".
   
6. "Feel Flows": God only knows what Carl is going on about in this psychedelic song.
   
7. "Looking At Tomorrow" (recorded for Landlocked): Al, reduced to doing odd jobs, is poor but proud.
8. "A Day In The Life Of A Tree": Beach Boys manager Jack Rieley pretends he is a tree.
   
9. "Til I Die" (recorded for Landlocked): Brian feels very insignificant.
10. "Surf's Up" (recorded for Smile): An audience sits in a theatre while some ruins fall down amid a tidal wave, according to Carl, Brian, and Al.

Endless Summary: Vol. 16 – Sunflower

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Slip On Through": Can you not see that Dennis has fallen in love with you?
   
2. "This Whole World": Everywhere he goes, Carl sees that people love each other.
   
3. "Add Some Music To Your Day": The boys think your day would be much improved if you took the time to listen to ice cream trucks and telephone on-hold music, etc.
   
4. "Got To Know The Woman": An exceedingly horny Dennis just met a woman who blew his mind.
   
5. "Deirdre": Bruce is glad the title character, who had gone away, has come back.
   
6. "It's About Time": Carl comes to terms with the fact that he's not as famous a pop star as he used to be.
   
7. "Tears In The Morning": Bruce is sad that you walked out of their marriage and moved to Europe, taking your unborn child with you.
   
8. "All I Wanna Do": Mike is exclusively concerned with bringing you happiness.
   
9. "Forever": If any given thing he did would make you happy in one way or another, Dennis would be prepared to do it indefinitely.
   
10. "Our Sweet Love": Carl thinks your sweet love could last forever.
    
11. "At My Window": Bruce sees a bird.
    
12. "Cool Cool Water": In an ocean or in a glass, Brian and Mike think cool water is such a gas.
    

Superman, where are you now?

Quick note: Jay and I blew off doing our Superman comic yesterday in favor of taking naps. (They were separate naps.) So, look for it next Monday.

Endless Summary: Vol. 15 – Landlocked

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Loop de Loop (Flip Flop Flyin' in an Aeroplane)": Al goes for a ride with the flying circus.
   
2. "Susie Cincinnati": Al pays tribute to a cab-driving hooker.
   
3. "San Miguel": Carl plans to head south of the border for a good time.
4. "H.E.L.P. Is on the Way": Mike can't believe how fat he's gotten and vows to eat only organic health food from now on.
   
5. "Take a Load off Your Feet": Al believes foot care to be very important.
   
6. "Over the Waves": The boys play a short instrumental version of that music you sometimes hear as a backing track for acrobats.
7. "I Just Got My Pay": Mike collects his paycheque and considers asking his boss for a raise.
   
8. "'Til I Die": Brian feels very insignificant.
   
9. "Good Time": Brian doesn't know that he and his girlfriend will last, but they don't care, as they're just looking to have fun.
10. "Big Sur": Mike plans to go camping.
11. "Lady": Dennis is falling in love with his lady.
12. "When Girls Get Together": Mike and Brian eavesdrop on little girls and old ladies.
    
13. "Lookin' at Tomorrow (A Welfare Song)": Al, reduced to doing odd jobs, is poor but proud.
    

Endless Summary: Vol. 14 – 20/20

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Do It Again": Mike wants to go surfing again.
   
2. "I Can Hear Music": Carl turns in an excellent Ronettes cover.
   
3. "Bluebirds Over The Mountain": Mike turns in a so-so Ersel Hickey cover.
   
4. "Be With Me": Go be with Dennis.
   
5. "All I Want To Do": Mike wants to do it to you all night long.
   
6. "The Nearest Faraway Place": The boys play an instrumental by Bruce.
   
7. "Cotton Fields": Al covers the popular folk song; returns to cotton fields back home.
   
8. "I Went To Sleep": Brian falls asleep on a park bench.
   
9. "Time To Get Alone": Carl wants to go tobogganing with you.
   
10. "Never Learn Not To Love": Dennis orders you to submit to his love in a song co-authored by Charles Manson.
    
11. "Our Prayer" (recorded for Smile): The boys sing a wordless a cappella invocation originally intended to begin Smile.
12. "Cabinessence" (recorded for Smile): A crow repeatedly flies over a cornfield as Chinese labourers build the railway, says Carl.

Endless Summary: Vol. 13 – Friends

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Meant For You": Mike likes meditating, and hopes you'll give it a try.
   
2. "Friends": You and Carl have been friends for a long time.
   
3. "Wake The World": Brian wakes up.
   
4. "Be Here In The Morning": Al unplugs the phone to keep his managers from calling so you can spend some quiet time together.
   
5. "When A Man Needs A Woman": Brian explains how babies are made.
   
6. "Passing By": The boys play an instrumental with a roller rink organ part.
   
7. "Anna Lee, The Healer": Mike salutes his masseuse.
   
8. "Little Bird": Dennis sees a bird and mows the lawn.
   
9. "Be Still": Dennis attempts to explain the meaning of life.
   
10. "Busy Doin' Nothin'": Brian gives directions to his house, tries to remember a phone number, and writes a letter.
    
11. "Diamond Head": The boys play a Hawaiian-flavoured instrumental.
    
12. "Transcendental Meditation": Al thinks TM is great.
    

Endless Summary: Vol. 12 – Wild Honey

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Wild Honey": Carl compares himself to a bee.
   
2. "Aren't You Glad": Mike and Brian would like to know if you're as pleased to be with them as they are to be with you.
   
3. "I Was Made To Love Her": Carl covers Stevie Wonder surprisingly well, despite being one of the five whitest men in popular music.
   
4. "Country Air": The boys like to get up early and enjoy the clean air out in the country.
   
5. "A Thing Or Two": Mike and Brian plan to tell their girl how much she means to them.
   
6. "Darlin'": Carl is pleased to be in a relationship with you.
   
7. "I'd Love Just Once To See You": Brian, who is just hanging around the house, would like you to come over, bake him a pie, and take off your clothes.
   
8. "Here Comes The Night": Brian loves your adoration and reassurance, and hopes you'll stay with him forever.
   
9. "Let The Wind Blow": Mike and Brian would like to allow nature to proceed as normal, as long as they get to keep their girl forever.
   
10. "How She Boogalooed It": Al says he went to a really good party.
    
11. "Mama Says": The boys stress the importance of abundant diet, exercise, rest, and teeth-brushing.
    

Bring us the head of Sandy Garcia

I've touched on how much I hate the writing of Metro reporter Sandy Garcia before, but perhaps the point bears expanding:

I really hate the writing of Metro reporter Sandy Garcia.

Fortunately, I'm not alone. The website of Toronto alternative weekly newspaper Eye now features a blog called "Bring Me the Head of Sandy Garcia" dedicated to pointing out her shortcomings as a sentient lifeform and unfitness for employment as a professional writer. Right now, the supporters and detractors of Garcia are battling it out in the comments section. I'm proud to say that some old school chums of mine -- Justin and Sofi -- are leading the charge against that travesty of transit journalism. Feel free to head over and add your voice to theirs.