Endless Summary: Vol. 11 – Smiley Smile

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Heroes And Villains" (recorded in different form for Smile): Brian relates his various experiences as a cowboy.
2. "Vegetables" (recorded in different form for Smile): The boys enjoy eating vegetables.
3. "Fall Breaks And Back To Winter": Brian appropriates the Woody Woodpecker theme in this instrumental.
4. "She's Goin' Bald": Obviously incredibly high, Brian, Mike, Al, and Dennis discuss a girl afflicted with hair loss.
5. "Little Pad": Possibly even higher than in the previous track, Mike and Carl hum, cackle, and wish they had a beach house in Hawaii.
6. "Good Vibrations" (recorded for Smile): Carl and Mike dig a girl.
7. "With Me Tonight": You are with Carl tonight, of which he is well aware.
8. "Wind Chimes" (recorded in different form for Smile): The boys have some wind chimes outside their window that they like to listen to.
9. "Gettin' Hungry": Mike and Brian are pretty horny.
10. "Wonderful" (recorded in different form for Smile): Carl obliquely alludes to a girl losing her virginity.
11. "Whistle In": Carl reminisces about the day and night, and whistles.

The return of Superman Origin Comics

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I take on Miss Tran again, and it gets personal

I was waiting for the bus tonight, when it came whizzing by. By. As in without stopping. I threw up my hands in outrage just in time for the driver to see, and he pulled over when he got through the intersection. I hustled over.

"Sorry man," he said. "But you were standing too far from the sign."

That tore it. I hadn't been really upset, but he should have just stopped at "Sorry, man." Thus began a lengthy argument that included the following points:

• He obviously just wasn't paying attention.
  
• I was standing just where I always stand, so he should just admit he wasn't paying attention rather than try to deflect the blame on me.
• In fact, I was literally standing in the footsteps of a winter's worth of bus passengers who have managed to board the bus in the past.
• If I stood closer to the sign, that would put me closer to the street corner, and the last bus driver to pass me by said it's because I was too close to the corner and he thought I was just waiting to cross the street, so why risk that again?
• How close is close enough anyway? Ten feet? Five feet? One foot? Perhaps he could tell me the maximum allowable standing distance and I could go back Monday and draw an appropriately sized circle around the pole that hopeful passengers could stand inside. Or perhaps I should make it a semicircle, as we wouldn't want anybody misunderstanding it and standing inside the circle, but out in traffic.

Best argument I've had in weeks.

Endless Summary: Vol. 10 – Smile

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Our Prayer/Gee": The group begins the album with a wordless a cappella invocation, plus a snatch of doo wop.
   
2. "Heroes And Villains": Brian relates his various experiences as a cowboy.
   
3. "Roll Plymouth Rock": Brian discusses the expansion of white people into the New World at the expense of Native Americans.
   
4. "Barnyard": Brian plays in a pig pen while the band makes animal noises.
   
5. "Old Master Painter / You Are My Sunshine": You were Brian's sunshine, his only sunshine, and you made him happy when skies were grey.
   
6. "Cabin Essence": A crow repeatedly flies over a cornfield as Chinese labourers build the railway, says Brian.
   
7. "Wonderful": Brian obliquely alludes to a girl losing her virginity.
   
8. "Song For Children": Where is the wonderful me and the wonderful you, wonders Brian.
   
9. "Child Is The Father Of The Man": The child, says Brian, is the father of the man.
   
10. "Surf's Up": An audience sits in a theatre while some ruins fall down amid a tidal wave, according to Brian.
    
11. "I’m In Great Shape / I Wanna Be Around / Workshop": Brian jumps out of bed, eats some eggs and grits, and then bangs away with a hammer and saws some wood for the rest of the song.
    
12. "Vega-Tables": Brian enjoys eating vegetables.
    
13. "On A Holiday": Brian sails on a pirate ship.
    
14. "Wind Chimes": Brian has some wind chimes outside his window that he likes to listen to.
    
15. "Mrs. O'Leary's Cow": This short instrumental caused Brian to believe it magically responsible for a sudden rash of nearby fires during its original recording, but earned him his only Grammy in 2005.
    
16. "In Blue Hawaii": Brian would like to drink some water, preferably in Hawaii.
    
17. "Good Vibrations": Brian digs a girl.
    

Endless Summary: Vol. 9 – Pet Sounds

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Wouldn't It Be Nice": Brian thinks it would be keen if you and he could get married and settle down when you're a bit older.
   
2. "You Still Believe in Me": Brian knows he's far from a perfect boyfriend, but he's grateful that you patiently put up with him.
   
3. "That's Not Me": Lonely Mike admits he's not as independent as he'd thought.
   
4. "Don't Talk (Put Your Head on My Shoulder)": Brian just wants to spend a little quiet time with you.
5. "I'm Waiting for the Day": Brian is patiently waiting until your broken heart from your last failed relationship ends and you're ready to move on.
   
6. "Let's Go Away for Awhile": The studio musicians play an instrumental by Brian.
   
7. "Sloop John B": Brian and Mike cover the traditional folk song about working a disappointing stint as a sailor.
   
8. "God Only Knows": Carl cannot even begin to comprehend how completely lost he'd be if you ever left him.
   
9. "I Know There's an Answer": Mike, Al, and Brian won't tell you what to do, and they'd rather you let them figure things out for themselves too.
   
10. "Here Today": Mike doesn't want to be a wet blanket or anything, but he suspects that you'll get your heart broken too if you date his ex-girlfriend.
    
11. "I Just Wasn't Made for These Times": Brian says he's got some great new ideas, but finds that the people around him don't quite get it, which about sums up his relationship with the band during this period.
    
12. "Pet Sounds": The studio musicians play another instrumental by Brian.
13. "Caroline, No": Brian finds that the sweet little girl he once knew has grown up to be kind of a bitch.
    

Ruddy Ruddy in the National Lampoon

Here.

Endless Summary: Vol. 8 – Summer Days (And Summer Nights!!)

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "The Girl From New York City": Mike reports that Californian boys have gone ga-ga over the titular East Coaster.
   
2. "Amusement Parks U.S.A.": Mike would like you to drive him to the local amusement park.
   
3. "Then I Kissed Her": In a gender-flipping Crystals cover, Al meets a girl, kisses her, then asks her to marry him.
   
4. "Salt Lake City": Mike lists several reasons why he likes the capital of Utah.
   
5. "Girl Don't Tell Me": Carl resolves not to fall again for the same girl who he dated last summer but didn't answer his letters.
   
6. "Help Me, Rhonda" (appeared in a different version on Beach Boys Today!): Al thinks dating the title character would help him get over his broken engagement.
7. "California Girls": Mike wishes that every girl could live in his home state.
   
8. "Let Him Run Wild": Brian thinks your philandering boyfriend will eventually get his own heart broken, and in the meantime, is happy to take you off his hands.
   
9. "You're So Good To Me": You're so good to Brian, and he loves it.
   
10. "Summer Means New Love": This short instrumental shows off Brian's new symphonic style.
    
11. "I'm Bugged At My Ol' Man": Brian is peeved at his disciplinarian father's overly severe punishments.
    
12. "And Your Dream Comes True": The boys sing an a cappella summer lullaby.
    

E.g. vs. i.e.

Okay, let's go over this:

The abbreviation "e.g.", which stands for the Latin exempli gratia, means "for example". It's used when you want to give one or more examples. If you're introducing a list of examples with this abbreviation, you should not put "etc." at the end. ("Etc." stands for the Latin et cetera, meaning "and others in the same class" Just in case you were wondering.)

The abbreviation "i.e.", which stands for the Latin id est, means "that is". It's used when you're about to clarify the previous statement.

Each of these abbreviations is typically followed by a comma immediately after the second period, just as you'd put a comma after "for example" or "that is".

They do not mean the same thing. They are not interchangable.


Also, do not wear one of those blue dress shirts with a white collar, the ones that bankers wear. They make you look like an asshole.

Endless Summary : Vol. 7 – The Beach Boys Today!

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Do You Wanna Dance?": Dennis, covering Bobby Freeman, would like to know if you would like to dance.
   
2. "Good to My Baby": Brian and Mike seem to be mean to their girlfriend in public, but are really quite kind to her in private.
   
3. "Don't Hurt My Little Sister": Mike and Brian are leery of your dating their sister, as you seem to upset her.
   
4. "When I Grow Up to Be a Man": Brian and Mike worry that they will be boring when they get older.
   
5. "Help Me, Ronda": Al thinks dating the title character would help him get over his broken engagement.
   
6. "Dance, Dance, Dance": Mike really enjoys dancing.
   
7. "Please Let Me Wonder": Brian and Mike are scared to say "I love you" in case you don't say "I love you too."
   
8. "I'm So Young": Covering the Students, Brian would like to marry his girlfriend, but is not old enough.
   
9. "Kiss Me Baby": After a fight with their girlfriend, Brian and Mike would like to reconcile.
   
10. "She Knows Me Too Well": Brian acknowledges his hypocrisy in jealously guarding his girlfriend while having a wandering eye himself.
    
11. "In the Back of My Mind": Dennis worries that his success will come between him and his girl.
    
12. "Bull Session with the 'Big Daddy'": The boys eat burgers and fries and discuss their recent European tour with an interviewer.
    

Endless Summary: Vol. 6 – All Summer Long

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "I Get Around": Mike and Brian are kings of the cool crowd, yet feel a certain ennui.
2. "All Summer Long": Mike had a very good time with you this summer.
3. "Hushabye": Brian and Mike sing you to sleep, covering the Mystics.
   
4. "Little Honda": Mike plans to take you for a ride on his motorbike.
   
5. "We'll Run Away": Brian agrees that you're both too young, but thinks you should elope anyway.
   
6. "Carl's Big Chance": Carl plays a guitar instrumental.
   
7. "Wendy": Mike is dejected because his girlfriend left him and screwed some other guy.
   
8. "Do You Remember?": Mike and Brian would like to remind you of the contributions of Elvis, Chuck Berry, Little Richard, Dick Clark, and Danny and the Juniors to the nascent art of rock and roll.
   
9. "Girls on the Beach": The boys rewrite "Surfer Girl", harmonizing about easy girls at the seashore.
   
10. "At the Drive-In": Mike really loves to go to the drive-in theatre.
    
11. "Our Favorite Recording Sessions": The boys pad out the record's running time with bloopers and studio chatter.
    
12. "Don't Back Down": Mike and Brian acknowledge that larger waves can be intimidating, yet they're still worth attempting to surf to impress girls.
    

Superman Origin Comics

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When the going gets weird, the weird turn guns on themselves

Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson shot himself to death last night. My thoughts upon reading the news this morning, in order:

1. Yeah, seems like something he'd do.
2. I'm surprised he didn't do it sooner, come to think of it.
3. I'll bet he did it last night just to upstage Sandra Dee. That seems like something he'd do too.

Endless Summary: Vol. 5 – Shut Down, Vol. 2

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Fun Fun Fun": A girl borrows her father's Ford Thunderbird under false pretenses, and he repossesses it upon uncovering her deception, but Mike would be pleased to give her a ride in his car.
2. "Don't Worry Baby": Brian, whose boasting about his car has resulted in his being challenged to a race, is worried that he's gotten in over his head, but his girlfriend assures him that things will turn out okay.
3. "In the Parkin' Lot": Mike and his girlfriend always show up early for school to make out in his car.
4. "'Cassius' Love vs. 'Sonny' Wilson": Bickering in lieu of singing, Brian makes fun of Mike's nasal voice while Mike claims Brian sounds like Mickey Mouse.
5. "The Warmth of the Sun": Brian is sad because his girlfriend broke up with him.
6. "This Car of Mine": Dennis has an old car that he's fixed up nicely, and he's pretty fond of it.
7. "Why Do Fools Fall in Love?": Brian covers the hit by Frankie Lymon and the Teenagers.
8. "Pom-Pom Play Girl": Carl says the head cheerleader uses her looks to enhance her social standing.
9. "Keep an Eye on Summer": Brian longs for his freshman year of college to be over so he can see his high-school sweetheart during summer vacation.
10. "Shut Down, Part II": The boys play an instrumental, with Mike on saxophone.
11. "Louie Louie": Mike carefully enunciates the unintelligible Kingsmen hit.
12. "Denny's Drums": Dennis plays a drum solo.

Game over! Game on! Free Stanley!

After a long, wasting illness, the patient has expired: The 2005 NHL season has finally been officially cancelled. For the first time since 1919, when the championship series was halted due to a worldwide influenza pandemic, the Stanley Cup will not be awarded. Or will it? Recent reports indicate that the season may be uncancelled tomorrow. Maybe the Cup will be awarded this year, after all.

If the Free Stanley movement has anything to say about it, it definitely will. And not necessarily to an NHL team, either, if that league can't get its act together.

The Edmonton-based movement's point -- and it's a compelling one -- is that Lord Stanley originally awarded his cup to the Dominion of Canada in 1892 under the condition that the team holding the cup defend it against any challenge made by the champion of any league playing in Canada. For the first few decades of its existence, it was battled over by a diverse assortment of amateur, collegiate, and professional teams, including challengers such as Queen's University, the Rat Portage Thistles, the Dawson City Nuggets, and the Toronto Trolley Leaguers.

By 1947, the cup's trustees ceded control of it to the NHL under the conditions that the league maintain its status as having the highest standard of play in the world and that a challenge for the cup be made every year. Now the NHL isn't holding up its end of the deal, so in theory, the deal is off.

This means that the trustees are entitled to make the big silver bowl a challenge cup once again. According to Lord Stanley's directions, the champion teams from leagues such as the American Hockey League, the East Coast Hockey League, the United Hockey League, and the Ligue Nord-Américaine de Hockey are entitled to make a challenge for the cup, as are the winners of the Memorial Cup (awarded to the winners of a tournament involving the champions of the Ontario Hockey League, the Western Hockey League, and the Quebec Major Junior League, plus a host team) and the Allan Cup (competed for by Senior AAA amateur teams) and the Canadian Interuniversity Sport champions.

Will the NHL's lawyers let this happen? Not if they can help it. But the Free Stanley movement has an almost unassailable case, and if they can push their point to its logical conclusion and convince the trustees to fulfill Lord Stanley's mandate, we could very well see the Rochester Americans take on the London Knights for the Stanley Cup. Or hockey wunderkind Sidney Crosby could get a chance to hoist the cup as a member of the Rimouski Oceanic before his long-awaited entry into the NHL draft even takes place. In fact, nothing in Lord Stanley's directions seems to prohibit a women's team from challenging for the cup (if only because he probably never conceived of the idea), so it's possible that Hayley Wickenheiser, Danielle Goyette, Cassie Campbell, and the rest of the Calgary Oval X-Treme (who currently hold a dominating 18-0-0-0 record in the Western Women's Hockey League standings) could mount a challenge.

I'd love to see it. It would breathe new life into the game of hockey. Let's take back Lord Stanley's cup and let players who want to play the game drink champagne out of it this year.

Endless Summary: Vol. 4 – Little Deuce Coupe

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Little Deuce Coupe" (previously appeared on Surfer Girl): Mike owns and enjoys operating a surprisingly fast 1932 Ford Coupe automobile.
2. "Ballad of Ole' Betsy": Brian's car is getting pretty old, but he still likes it.
3. "Be True to Your School": Mike has a great deal of school spirit, and thinks you should too.
4. "Car Crazy Cutie": Brian's girlfriend is ideal, as she's both pretty and an enthusiastic amateur car mechanic.
5. "Cherry, Cherry Coupe": Mike owns a one-of-a-kind hot rod that everyone admires.
6. "409" (previously appeared on Surfin' Safari): Mike likes his brand-new Chevy, which is extraordinarily fast.
7. "Shut Down"(previously appeared on Surfin' U.S.A.): Mike wins a car race.
8. "Spirit of America": Brian thinks the recent setting of a new land speed record by a jet-powered automobile at the Bonneville Salt Flats is pretty awesome.
9. "Our Car Club" (previously appeared on Surfer Girl): Mike and Brian plan to start a car club, which is kind of like a biker gang, except with hot rods.
10. "No-Go Showboat": Brian and Mike own a car that looks terrific, but is actually very slow.
11. "A Young Man Is Gone": The boys think James Dean's fatal car crash is a real shame.
12. "Custom Machine": Mike owns a one-of-a-kind hot rod that he'd prefer you didn't touch.

Endless Summary: Vol. 3 – Surfer Girl

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. "Surfer Girl": Brian rips off Jiminy Cricket's "When You Wish Upon a Star".
2. "Catch a Wave": Mike recommends surfing while offering the logic-defying statement "Everybody tries it once / Those who don't just have to put it down".
3. "The Surfer Moon": Brian praises the moon's role in tidal activity, which makes surfing possible.
   
4. "South Bay Surfer": Brian and Mike consider their hometown area's local surfers to be particularly outstanding.
   
5. "The Rocking Surfer": Carl plays an instrumental.
   
6. "Little Deuce Coupe": Mike owns and enjoys operating a surprisingly fast 1932 Ford Coupe automobile.
   
7. "In My Room": Brian enjoys spending quiet time alone in his room.
   
8. "Hawaii": Mike and Brian think the Union's newest state, which is a hotbed of surfing, may be the best one yet.
   
9. "Surfers Rule": Dennis and the boys offer a musical bitchslap to doowop singers The Four Seasons.
   
10. "Our Car Club": Mike and Brian plan to start a car club, which is kind of like a biker gang, except with hot rods.
    
11. "Your Summer Dream": Brian recommends that you take your best girl for a walk on the beach.
    
12. "Boogie Woodie": Brian plays a boogie-woogie piano version of Rimsky-Korsakov's "Flight of the Bumblebee".
    

From Hell's heart, Lulu Rosenkrantz stabs at Ma Bell

My internet browser is set up to pop up a random Wikipedia page every time I start it up (you can do this by making http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Special:Randompage your home page). Today, the entry on Jewish gangster Abe Landau popped up. I was caught by this section about the slaying of Landau, Dutch Schultz, Otto Berman and Lulu Rosenkrantz by hitmen working for Murder Inc.:

Shortly after Workman had fled, the bathroom door flew open and Dutch Schultz, clutching his side, staggered out, not wanting to be found dead with his pants unzipped on the floor of a men's room. He picked up his hat, staggered back to his seat, sat down, and slumped over the table. He called for someone to get an ambulance; Rosenkrantz dutifully pulled himself to his feet, and rather than go immediately to the phone booth near the bar, he demanded that the bartender-- who had hid behind the register the entire duration of the shootout-- change his quarter for five nickels; Rosenkrantz didn't want the phone company getting twenty more cents than they were owed. Rosenkrantz deposited a quarter and called for an ambulance before collapsing against the wall of the phone booth.

In other words, unless this was a final act of spite as part of some longstanding vendetta against the phone company that we're not hearing about, Rosenkrantz's dying act was to affirm the stereotype of Jews as cheapskates.

I don't even know what to say about this.

Endless Summary: Vol. 2 – Surfin’ U.S.A.

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. “Surfin’ U.S.A.”: Mike thinks everyone would enjoy surfing as much as Americans do, if they had the opportunity.
2. “The Farmer’s Daughter”: Brian entreats a country girl to let him plow her fields.
3. “Miserlou”: The boys cover the Dick Dale instrumental classic.
4. “Stoked”: The boys are stoked! Stoked! Stoked!
5. “Lonely Sea”: Brian compares a girl to the constantly changing ocean waters.
6. “Shut Down”: Mike wins a car race.
7. “Noble Surfer”: Mike knows a guy who's a really good surfer.
8. “Honky Tonk”: The boys cover the Bill Doggett instrumental.
9. “Lana”: Brian asks the title character to come away with him.
10. “Surf Jam”: Carl records an instrumental.
11. “Let’s Go Trippin’”: Carl covers another Dick Dale instrumental.
12. “Finders Keepers”: Mike’s surfboard gets stolen, but he gets it back when the thief wipes out.

Forced out of my seat by an autistic boy

On my commute home one night last week, I hopped the subway and made a beeline for an empty window seat, as usual. I like taking the window seat for two reasons: First, I don't want to be that jerk who sits in an aisle seat with an empty window seat beside him, which effectively hogs both seats since people are usually too timid to climb over him. And second, I don't want to be that gentleman in the aisle seat who graciously gets up to offer his seat to the elderly and infirm. I'd rather shrug and make like I'm trapped in the window seat and I'd like to get up to give up my seat, but I can't, and anyway, the jerk in the aisle seat should be the one to do that.

However, because I get on the subway near the beginning of the line, both the aisle seat and the window seat were open at this point. So was the seat directly in front of me and the aisle and window seat across the aisle. The train travelled one stop, and then an older man with an obviously mentally handicapped teenage boy came lurching on. They could have had one seat to themselves, but instead, the older man put the pimply, vacant-eyed youth in the aisle seat next to me and took the seat next to me. And it's no wonder why: The kid sat uncomfortably close, pressing his leg into mine and breathing his stink breath on me.

Oh yeah, and he was babbling like a loon. I turned down my MP3 player to hear what he was saying. "Two-thirty," he said, "Two thirty." He deliberately lowered his voice like some developmentally handicapped radio announcer, playing around with different stresses and pitches on each repetition. "Mission accomplished ... mission accomplished ... mission accomplished." He said all this while turning and facing me, watching his reflection in the subway window, with the effect that he was more or less shouting in my face. I maintained a stone face and stared straight ahead. The last thing I wanted was to be drawn into conversation, if he was capable of conversation.

The subway operator announced the next stop, and the kid echoed the announcement in the same manner: "Old Mill station next. Old Mill station." It was increasingly apparent that he was autistic or something, and was just repeating everything he heard. He seemed to have the skill set of the average parrot, along with the mental capacity. Since I didn't have any crackers to offer him, I continued to stare forward stonily and pretend he wasn't shouting in my face. What mission, I wondered, had he accomplished earlier? Probably just getting on the subway was an accomplishment to be celebrated.

"Why are you so funny?" he asked. "Why are you so funny?" The limit of his conversational skills seemed to be to merely repeat words while remaining blissfully oblivious to their meaning. He'd obviously been asked why he was so funny in the past, no doubt without giving a coherent answer.

This is where I cracked, thinking about what other one-sided conversations he might have had in the past. I fully expected him to start cheerfully piping, "Shut up, you fucking retard! Shut up, you fucking retard! Shut up, you fucking retard!" I knew I couldn't keep a straight face if he started doing that, so I got up and changed seats.

Endless Summary: Vol. 1 – Surfin’ Safari

One-sentence capsule summaries of Beach Boys songs, album by album.

1. “Surfin’ Safari”: Mike encourages you to take up the popular sport, listing several surfing hot spots.
2. “County Fair”: Mike tries in vain to win prizes for his girlfriend, eventually losing the fickle girl to a stronger interloper.
3. “Ten Little Indians”: Nine Native American boys aggressively woo a girl, but she likes the tenth guy, who ignores her.
4. “Chug-A-Lug”: Mike’s favorite beverage is root beer.
5. “Little Girl (You’re My Miss America)”: Dennis appreciates a girl in patriotic terms.
6. “409”: Mike likes his brand-new Chevy, which is extraordinarily fast.
7. “Surfin’”: Surfing is the only way of life for Mike.
8. “Heads You Win, Tails I Lose”: Mike resorts to flipping a coin to resolve relationship problems, yet comes out the loser considerably more than 50% of the time.
9. “Summertime Blues”: Mike and Brian cover Eddie Cochran.
10. “Cuckoo Clock”: Brian’s attempts at seduction are foiled by a noisy clock.
11. “Moon Dawg”: The boys play an instrumental; one barks like a dog.
12. “The Shift”: Mike gets unaccountably turned on by a dress.

First of a half-million kisses

I ran across the following sentence today in a story about Lovapalooza 2, an event in Manila and four other cities featuring thousands of couples kissing simultaneously:

This year’s event was aimed at “a million kisses, a million heartbeats, and probably a million people falling in love for the second time around,” said a statement from toothpaste maker Unilever Philippines, one of the event’s organizers.

With a million people and a million heartbeats, that should actually be a half-million kisses. Unless all the couples were to kiss precisely twice, of course, but I don't think that was the plan.

Don't you forget about Ruddy

I've been really bad about updating the Ruddy Ruddy blog lately, and you would be forgiven for forgetting about it. But if you go over there, you'll find a new post.

Your Oscar host, Chris

I try never to watch the Oscars. I fail at this sometimes, but even if I do accidentally watch some of the show, rest assured I mock it relentlessly enough that no one else in the room can enjoy it. But I thought of something that would make watching this year's edition awesome:

I'd love to see Chris Rock host half the program. And then they could come back from commercial, and Chris Tucker could walk onstage and introduce the next presenter. Just make an unacknowledged switch of hosts, and have Tucker do the rest of the show, acting like he'd been there all along.

I suspect it might actually take a lot of the audience quite a while to pick up on this. They might feel a nagging sense of something being not quite right without being able to put their finger on what it was.

And if this turned out to the case, it'd be worth it for Rock to do it just for the material on the racism surrounding much of America's inability to tell one motormouthed black Chris from another. As for Tucker, he should just do it for the exposure; doing virtually nothing for five years between Rush Hours 2 and 3 shows a surprisingly commendable commitment to not doing just any old Hollywood dreck, but he's in danger of falling off the map.